Hoping You Can Read This Letter

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Dear Abraham,


I am writing in hopes that you are receiving this letter in the highest state in spirit and emotion/ in being. Please forgive me if in anyway this letter doesn't receive you in the loving, respectful manner i intend it. For, you and i have never met but i cannot say that i do not know you. Having read a little about your life and your decision to stop the world, in many ways throughout my many days i feel i can relate; in many ways we were two of a kind.

Our existance is so complicated; so complex yet so simple. I cannot find a word for how to express it, but i do feel we are all connected reguardless of the fact that we live our lives respective of one another. So i sit here at this very moment crying for what i don't understand yet understand perfectly.. wishing there was something i could have done so that you knew there was someone like me, like you, out there_if only that would have made a difference.

In one of your messages to the world you wrote how you were the type of person whom would do anything for a friend, and you offer to speak at ANYtime of day, whether it be daylight or in the wee hours of early morning, should they need someone to talk to. I know in my case, i can honestly say that had i known you personally i would have loved to take you up on that offer, although, i don't know if i would have... and i am sure you understand; because like i said we are two of a kind, and while our kind yearns for the touch, we struggle letting anyone near; we have so much to deal with within ourself!

That message will haunt your loved ones till their last day, and if even for a moment it will tap into us others, to process and sit on. And hey, maybe it will/has even inspired many to go and give someone they haven't spoken to in awhile the call they needed to receive! But nobody will ever be able to get over the fact that such a loving giving person as yourself disallowed your physical to move into another day, because you couldn't stand feeling so cold, and we, whether we knew it or not, denied you the warmth you so needed, and that we were so capeable of giving.

It may sound sac-religeous, but you died like Jesus did. You did!
The masses were gathered for your final moment, each one of them precious
in blood and in name! Yet because they had never discovered they had your unique kind of love
they arrived there eager to carry on in the most horrid, beastly essence of the bottom of our being; for we are also capeable of being so cruel.
I know you forgive them. Some condemn you for 'wanting attention'. They have grown so cold in this inhumane world that to them this has become a dirty thing. Don't we all deserve 'attention'?
Some insult your intelligence by invoking other avenues you could have taken
in dealing, while rambling through table conversations with the same
lack of compassion which moved you to where you are!
Moved you, for many days, unwillingly, until
you could no longer tell the difference
between your direction towards fate; and the assumed normalcy of standing in place!

When i peeped your myspace page last week you appeared to me to be a very active, well liked young man. You had pictures of you with many friends and dancing music backing the party-like ambiance you had set for people to receive you when they came to your page. Who would have known you were so lonely?
That was something like a week ago, but you have stayed on my mind brother and so i had to go back. And in doing so i found that some of your loved ones had created a memorial page for you. It is beautiful!

Now you know! You know how people feel about you, reguardless of how hard it may be able to accept it with them not showing it. Perhaps folks imagine that from where you rest some of those showing remorse are liars and really showed no real interest in you in the bit while you were here. But i know you forgive that.. i know that at this point you understand. That in fact not everyone is as blessed as you were when you were here.. to understand their ability to love and the value of such love and unconditional concern for another. I know you forgive them. Because i know from up there it is easier to see
that we in fact are all connected! And though it took you the sad tragic road to get to the place where you know and you feel like you matter, you are now getting to know that and to feel that. And that is fine.. that is ok brother, that is alright. So implies each one of the prayers you are receiving.



Thank you for giving your life
so that i could reflect and rejoice
on this day

Love,
Tony

___The Divide_

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Everybody's avoiding being bumped into
accidentally bumping into one another
on the edge of our eye

everyone balancing between
being seen and being seen seeing
between shins at the vents



and signs at the ceiling,
cris-crossing a scan of the divide
or dead panning the length of a ride
dead in our eye
intensify a pressure to put the breaks on
the neck on the knees' pardon me's



edgy seats rattling mute communiques
into the station roar in the face of, then
round platforms more of faces stuck,

into the next train to growl along
full of possom naps and graven bone, still,
before the peep that flees and ducks

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ToneAre

Race Speeding Up On Weak Wheels (The Post Obama Race Era...)

---The night Barack Obama won the election a young Black Muslim man, Liberian, was attached in Staten Island by a bunch of young white men who jumped out their ride with baseball bats.

---A few days ago a white army pvt. attacked a black college student in the heat of an argument about Obama.

---Across the nation news agencies have reported a rise in white supremist and racist vandalism

---The Secret Service is investigating death threats against a President at a record level since Obama's election.

An AM New York story provides the following quotes which sum up what i'm getting at pretty well:

"The work of reconciliation doesn't come from having historical amnesia." -L'Heureux Lewis, Asst. Professor of Sociology and black studies at City College.

"This country's history of discrimination can't be overturned or reversed through one political event, but through a series of small steps over the course of many generations" -Ilya Leybovich, Prospect Heights

"The hope expressed by some that with Obama's election, America entered a 'post-racial' period is probably naive." -Margaret Fung, Executive Director of the Asian American Legal Defense and Education Fund

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Some will read this and say i am being unfair, that i am somehow shitting on Obama's accomplishment or not giving due credit to the 'American Dream'. So as i do with all of my arguments, allow me to take this time to acknowedge those things. I have been clear in past postings about Obama '09, that what he has done is extraordinary. That he has probably worked harder and under more stress than any President in HISTORY when you consider that his movement was largelly grass-roots, from the ground up, getting out the vote of people whom have never voted in their lives; not an easy thing to do. Did it all being Black amongst hundreds of politicians whom not only look different, but in large number probably were raised amongst family and friends whom preached intolerance about race. Shit... i swear his hair has gotten gray over the past year!

It DOES prove that young Black men and women can grow up to be whatever they want -if they gather as many chips as they can manage, and *play the game right-

___But dont get it twisted; Black people have KNOWN THIS all along! They KNEW they were capeable... Till now however, they havn't known whether they were ABLE! Didn't know if the system of gatekeepers sustaining this country's institutions would lift enough gates to let one of their own through to the top!I put it in these terms because there are still PLENTY of paternalistic/ racist ass folks who are looking at this like as if though Blacks have finally bred someone with enough brain power for the job; which of course is utter ignorant dumb-assed.ness! (by the way.. fuck with the switch if these people are you because your power has been off for a long time.)

On the flip-side, when you consider that indeed there are ALOT of people (expressing this attitude) still lacking confidence in Black people whom aren't Obama (and these are mostly liberals whom express it this way); that there are still ALOT of people whom would hold anomosity against brothers for Obama's win , or go out and hurt others with beatings and posting humiliating public statments into the wind and onto walls (probably 'conservatives').. it becomes apparent that the whole notion that we are behind race is whishful thinking.('Come on dude, it aint about race anymore.. we have a black president' takes 'How could i be racist? I have black friends' to a WHOLLLEEE NEW LEVEL ! )

What is dangerous about a time like this is that it becomes HiGh TiMe for self proclaimed guardians of patriotism (and alot of these same so called ALL-American folks talk about race not being an issue while hipocritically throwing the N word around with friends), to come out and spread mis-information and loaded rhetoric aimed at suppressing the issue of race once and for all. ___A perfect example is how under the same AM NewYork article i quoted from above, a list of 'racial epithets' was listed to give meaning and supposed historical significance to each. And within that very listing you understand what i'm talking about by LOADED when you read between the lines.

For "MUTT" they have: Used for people of mixed ethnic backround. President Elect Barack Obama used it as a joking self reference, but others find it offensive. When i read that definition it struck the tone you hear when folks try justifying their use of the N word by saying "Well, they use it themselves!" ...did you read it again? go on now, i'll give you a second... ok so now you read it, am i right or am i right? They couldn't just give the damn definition, they HAD to first somehow de-base its offensiveness.

Then for "CRACKER" the paper takes an angle which aims to victimize whites by the use of the word. No doubt it is distasteful, amateurish, non-progressive to just call folks crackers.. we all have family, sometimes white, and at times family is good to us. But im not targeting the issue of whether the word is right or wrong to use. I am shedding light on the truth being the paper totally misinforms the public on the origins of the word; stating This slur against whites historically means a poor white person. In the same light i want to have you ask yourself in what way is it offensive (in comparison to Nigger) when it simply implies that someone is poor? goes to show you that to verbally attack the ruling race class is to say they in fact don't have the power they have the priveledge to be afforded, as if though that should send a gasp out their mouths and a hand to their chest "HUHHHH!" lol ...Actually though that is the reporter shooting him/herself in the foot DESPITE the fact they didn't define the slur correctly. In all actuallity the historical origin of CRACKER dates back the slavery in the U.S. It was the term Black Slaves began using for The Man; associating HIM ..with his whip! They couldn't call him a bitch or a shit head, they called him the cracker. If anything, at the time, that term was the opposite of degrading.. it in fact reaffirmed the slave masters power over them!

Examples such as these, as i've stated, is how this time is actually more dangerous for race relations. We are in a time where the Black Brain is more suseptable to being 'washed' than at any time in history. If you are a 13 year old boy from the slums and you've gone through 3 home room teachers in one year, mornings in school on an empty stomach and unfocused mind, stress from conditions at home and in your neighborhood and likely a broken family, you are now EXPECTED to overachieve.. whereas in the past your success was wished for. we can forget about philanthropy and government funds to go towards investment in bettering local schools, hospitals and infrastructure (which is important because when your surroundings are the slum your mind becomes the slum, and all the conotations of the slum promoted in the media carry with you).. he can forget about this investment.. he must now make it in spite of these conditions, and if he fails.... well then that to many will prove true the theory that he is inferior!

Al Quida's P2oG division (copy and paste "P2oG" into google) puts out a statement quoting Malcom X, and an MSNBC analyst alludes to Al Quida quoting "60's divisive figures". ...All of a sudden Barack Obama gets elected and now Malcom X is beginning to be paint brushed into the icon of bad blacks? I mean in his time they tried doing that to him by contrasting him with Martin Luther King (while J Edger Hoover was using the FBI to spy on King; goes to show you whom was actually divisive and wikid *google "COINTELPRO"). This is indication that the campaign to tear this man down for inspiring Blacks to stick up for themselves in a time when they were accustomed to walking the streets with their eyes down and lack of self esteem in their posture , is NOT OVER. Clearly we are seeing a white washing of race in America or we are damn near close to it, and YES i am talking about an OVERT movement to totally erase the past while ignoring the implications such attacks as the ones i listed in the beginning of this post signify. Shame about it is that with the election of Obama self hating/ ashamed blacks will no doubt incorporate themselves in this movement to suppress the truth as well.

This is depressing to me, because all it does is show our lack of true initiative to address failure in this country. Because in this country we don't admit to failure or being wrong. We haven't admitted it in the very formation of this nation through genocide, dont do it in our wars, we dont do it with the fact that we have higher crime statistics than other industrial countries, we dont do it when talking about equality! We have our heads so far up our ass about these so called ideals we stand on, and are quick to respond to such truths as (we were NOT one of the first countries to end slavery in the 19th century -most of Europe and South America had already been freeing slaves-; And we WOULD NOT be one of the first countries to elect a female -there have been middle eastern coutries with higher female officials... how shameful is that?-or even a Black man to President), we respond with Well, we're not perfect but we are better than the rest!, when we in fact SHOULLLD not give a fuck about what they do in the rest of the world and worry about moving us forward here! As the woman i quoted above stated: It will take small steps, and it will take work on all ends.

First off the problems must be acknowledged! That doesn't mean passing a bill that says 'we apologize for slavery'.. but by acknowledging it in the American consicousness by putting it in school books. By the 5th grade students should know about the stone wall rebellion and gay rights, and should be discussing the progress and lack of progress we've made on this issue. They should already know, not only that Blacks were slaves but about the movement to abolish slavery with Nat Turner, Sojourner Truth, The Maroons, the Black/White Union revolts against big business in which workers united across racial barriers for rights, and should be discussing oppression in institutions and internalized oppression.. should be discussing the effects of Willie Lynch's philosophy of divide and conquer on the black family.

Problem is too many people profit off of us being mis-informed. So they would rather put fluffy reality shows on TV and keep documentaries old and boring than pay young minds in acting, music, prodiction, film to make new ones that will actually get the youth to listen. Every generation is getting more and more apolitical. It is becoming increasingly popular to project ignorance.. its supposed to be funny, and 'free'.

Meanwhile a young Black Female in one of my workshops proclaimes after the election: "Now we got our 40 acres and a mule", and young Black Male in another one of my workshops expressed his gratitude for the Europeans whom colonized and pillaged Africa for 'saving' Africans from their savage existance (never a moment realizing how savage it was that these very people stacked his ancestors laying down in the bottom of a ship for months, over which time they had to eat eachother to survive and dwell in their own shit and piss before arriving on these American shores)

It is a slave mind.

Hopefully Barack keeps Malcom by the window somewhere in his own! Because while we try to force history to swallow the blue pill, he is bringing the struggle up with him.

Another Subway Poem (from my tentative subway poem series)

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Flickers in the Fray


Nubby limb, broken shackle, joint and nail
Of hideous claws planting so called
Rats with wings afoot
Waiting; stopping, moving along
And stopping, then moving on, and on
To solicit a look with a beggars timing
Down to the bridge of your book
New York as gray; sparrow down
From high beams in a New York subway

Heaven of course must be for doves
As must love they've said, they say, they'll say
And birds with pretty Spanish names
Like paloma, whirl in the plaza.
But notice the foot of the pigeon masses gathered
For bread; really place your focus on their legs
How together they flicker a crimson red
That sparks brilliance
from aloof melancholy,
While taming the New York fray!

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Female whom identifies as 'a man' pregnant with another child: *I* feel...

"You know... the bible says you came from my rib"
"Well, I say... i farted YOU out my ass!"

^lol. My homey/co-worker had a good come back.



She's a strong woman, and although we are mostly business and rarely self-depricate or rank on one another's person or make up, we do at times find time to throw a loving barb. I don't acknowledge the language that gives label to and then assumes so-called 'political correctness' is a pole distanced far from 'Freedom of speech'. But i guess if i had to uniform my words into such venacular i would say that, yea, sometimes we in fact can get a bit tight about expressing ourselves. And reguardless of our reighteous efforts, i feel that is actually often a recipe for a more elitist however-so less derogatory swagger. So we were setting up for a workshop and i threw that out there to fuck with her. Her comeback blew me though. Got to give it to her.

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Though the allusions of 'rib' and 'fart' may sound comical and hyperbolic to say the very least were we to recognize, as i am about to have you do...NOW: that at one time (and even today) there are people who believe such animated stories about our existance; ...who is to say that those whom believe it are wrong? They are theories, just like the notion that we evolved or migrated from space are theories, which have a set of moral and at times scientific rationale to defend them as true (except, i think the fart one is just intended to be a joke and nothing more).

However,

The probability that all but one of these stories, if not all of them actually origionated from some kind of process of indoctrination set forth to engineer a social psychology which validates the culture of whatever HUMAN created them____IS CERTAIN!

I mean after all, they cant ALL be true....
Or can they?

The conversation gets deep, because there are many schools of thought, each of which may even view reality through a paradigm which makes it fundamentally impossible for agreement across views. And this is why we see alot of these philosophical positions remaining today. They can never be knocked down, because the whole framework of discourse around each of these 'truths' are customed not to find an objective answer to the question, but to defend their own premise!

WHAT DO I MEAN?

It depends on how you'd rather see it! Either everything is true because whomever said so believes it is! Or everything is a lie, because it all comes from our imagination!






While i myself am quite progressive a young chap, i am beginning to ground my awareness not in conservative notions of' 'reality', but rather, definative conviction. I have explored the questions and i am beginning to sort the jelly beans between the bowl on the left and the one on the right. On the matter of this pregnant 'man', without (ridic)uling i can't help but feel it's all pretty rediculous! And this is coming from an ally (i do identify as one) of homosexuals, lesbians, gays, queers, transgendered, etc. people. I know that simply stating that, doesn't put me in any position to judge; which is why i am being careful not to judge. But coming from an angle of MANHOOD; as a man, whom recognizes identity tenants fundamental to the culture of the male gender homosapean, i am going to defend and bare the standard of integrity which preserves my own! For you can be as 'liberal' or 'left' or 'radical' as you want or think you are, at the end of the day if you are not a warrior for your own you are nobody. In my own right i am a warrior for manythings, i don't just sit here talking shit because i think im smart or to correct anybody. I speak amongst the chorus whom want to represent the voiceless. And while MEN as the dominant/ priveledged gender of humankind, are certainly not voiceless that doesn't mean i cant call out a perpetraitor!

Now if this woman wants to identify as a man, and the law has been modified to accept that, and we as a loving community have sensed this womans humanity and sincarity in her decision to walk in the guard, i have no problem at all shaking HIS hand and including him. So that's not what makes him a perpetraitor. OK he don't got a real dick, OK he wasn't one of us when we was all wrestling and saying 'ill' about girls, OK he wasn't salivating with us over some fly honeys in our beastly years of puberty! But right now he is for his own psychological purposes allieging with us. Will he ever really know what it is to be a man? in some ways yes, because society will respond to him in a way that it does a man (those unaware that he is actually a woman at least), but intuitively he wasn't groomed in our experience, and hasn't wrestled with alot of our inner struggles (yes, we do have inner struggles, which while different than that of women, in fact ARE struggles, whether by de-construction or in building).
Where he DOES become a perpetraitor though is in getting pregnant. It is self everything; self righteous, self centered, self aggrandizing.. it is pretentious and deceitful! And by this i dont mean to call the dogs on him, or to promote any fear or hate. Im simply calling this dude out. We need to be invalidating this claim at this point that he is a MAN! Because he does not want to be a MAN! He wants to destroy the idea of gender identity. He has created this facade which stands on technology and an isolated, abusive sense of self empowerment, to convince us that he is a man whom is having a child. It has nothing to do with community! and others! At most it goes to prove that a woman can alter her hormones to appear to be a man! That is all! As far as identity politics, he has just discredited his claim to be a man. So NO THERE IS NO PREGNANT MAN! There is a woman whom has evolved to take on the physical traits of a man, yet keeps the most fundamental trait of womanhood; the maternal, the mother!

Now i appreciate that by doing this she raises questions, questions are always good for society. I will never conform with the practice of keeping matters of the human condition taboo. But there is a difference between being born with the mentality of the opposite gender, and thus the psychological makeup of one. So i do believe people are BORN GAY! I do believe there are MEN born with vaginas and breasts, whom long to be recognized as men, and the SHOULD be recognized as such. Im with that! But it is something different when you endeavor to trigger shock.

Therefore while i appreciate the fact that this woman has brought this discussion to our kitchen tables. Her job is done. And now i will respond promptly, in defense of our preservation as men, by calling her out on her perpetraiting ways. And i know all self-identified men, whether straight, gay or transgendered will agree that she is not one of us.


Thank you Ms. Mr Media Whore,
For giving us an opportunity
to re-assert our own identities (male and female alike)

Please take full security over your sacred priveledge of birthing a child,
and be as proud as i know your wife must be.
Peace


-Tone.Are

Mayor Menos

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The other day i was reading about

a proposal to remodel our trains

without seats, in order to make room

for the massive inpouring of straphangers

converted from the pump



Took that one day for them
to tap at their ass
and find their wallet gone

I might've mumbled out loud



Then as i lifted the page to turn

slick off my thumb on my tongue

an old headline i remember seeing

tagged across the dailies of Bloomberg's

first mayoral campaign recurred to me



Assuming he's kept his word
by commuting via subway to work,
i wonder how he holds on
the way he keeps his hands in his pockets



-Tone.Are
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YES WE CAN

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Months back i wrote a blog posting entitled "How Barack Obama's Presidency Will Transform The United States Of America". ((Link below))
http://toneare.blogspot.com/2008/06/how-barak-obamas-presidency-will.html
To sum it up, i basically spoke about how an Obama Presidency would result in a 4 if not 8 year dialogue on race in this country. I did not go out on the limb to state whether it would be for better or worse; that remains to be seen. In terms of dialogue though i've already got a couple of anecdotes relating the issue; some instances which have triggered wonder/assumption for myself or those around me concerning the issue.

--On November 4th my co-worker and i were on our way home from a special election day event with our youth. She always stops into this Indian Food restaurant, and it has been apparent in the past that the woman at the counter carries some kind of chip for my homegirl; rushes her, responds to simple questions rather aggressively, avoids eye contact... you know.. some of the things that would have you ask: is your friend black? (yes she is black). Anywayzzz. So we walk into this place, on election day, and the woman behind the counter was EXTRA nice. I mean like, big smile, what else can i help you with, folding the paper bag over then stretching her humble neck over the glass counter as she handed her change back. (I almost feel like sensationalizing a bit and saying she put her hands together prayer style.. but that didn't happen. Looked like that was where she was going though). So in MY MIND, recognizing this, i thought "Wow, this is strange. They must be finally realizing my friend brings them consistant business. They are coming around." What brewed on my friends mind was different. As we moved on a hot step fwrd she expressed a different read on the situation: "You seen that right? All of a sudden the country is going to have a Black President and she wanna treat black people all nice now." lol. I did laugh because though i hadn't thought that, it kind of made sense. Now remember, this is not a white woman behind the counter; she was Indian. Still, there was a total 180 in her attitude within like 5 days!

--This morning my sister friend and i were traveling to our site in Brooklyn. When we got there (BCAM High School), we approached the security guard with ID's out. The security guard (a Black Woman), told that same friend of mine to go on in, acknowledging "You don't have to sign in, you're here for the workshops". But she takes my card. haha. So my friend responds in my favor: "So does he." I didn't take it any resentful way, i just kind of was struck for a moment because we always enter the building together. The woman has seen me there weekly since the beginning of October. I still believe she had a simple brain fart about it, but i couldn't help flip it on my friend in jest when we got to the top of the stairs: "Oh we elect a Black Man and all of a sudden the light skinded folk gotta wait on the long line." haha



These are just two examples of how having a black president will influence our prejudices. We have never experienced this before. No doubt as he goes on doing as i predicted (making some decent and not so decent decisions/ as any other president would), our preconceived notions will fade and for most, Barack Obama; Black President will become Barack Obama; President. Unfortunatelly there are those whom have no doubt put a block up.. and will resist the healing our society needs. Unfortunatelly there are those whom have the smokes and mirrors up and will keep them up, riding their pride so high, it becomes easy to overlook that which deteriorates beneath our soles. And then there are those whom wish 4 years of hell as some sort of punishment for their peers electing a Black man!


I say God Bless us because right now we are a schizophrenic people, psychologically. Barack's fellow black brothers/sisters of America and the globe will pray he does not slip, and yet changes must be made, if you are Black you know this intuitively, so while you want him to be able to succeed you also have hope that he will go a bit above, a bit beyond towards making a better life more accessible. This becomes tricky and has for as long as this country existed, been a conflict. How to expand and stay close to the people simultaneously. Practically EVERY notable black public figure whom has lived a lifetime taking such risks has (in the eye of the black majority) either gone a bit too far to the left, thus generating a fear of 'backlash' against them all... or in his own interest conformed a bit too much with the right to continue serving in their favor (sell-out). Yea, eventually history vindicates these leaders, but during the time of their prowess they are a source of great insecurity. Though it may be hard to imagine at this point in time, even Martin Luther King while he was doing what he was doing, had many crossing their fingers, and at the height of his dissent, within many a black home, even drew murmurs pleading that he quit making trouble already! Not because they weren't in support of the man's ideas, but because they feared. They struggled with whether to accept what steps they'd made and cut the losses, or to continue on and risk Marshall Law clobbering down on them.

This has been an interesting ride because there are so many assumptions going around that reality itself has to a great degree been skewed. There is this fog after the war. And we are still waiting for the dust to settle to see what is really going on. Racism, Sexism, Capitalism, Socialism, terrorism (including state sponsored terrorism: Obama in fact did bring to issue the Right Wing supported assassinations of Union Leaders in Colombia)... these are all issues that have never been thrown on the table with such polarity. The conversation is OPEN folks! And then we have the people or in this case the dog, to those issues: the tale. We are wagging at the fukking senses!
-To my right are people who think Obama is the most liberal man on the face of the planet and will put a hammer and sickle on the red white and blue.
-To my left are people who believe Obama is not only the same old politics, but 10 times more dangerous because if he indeed does carry on the same old agenda, he is capable of garnering support in the blind faith of a newly 'politicized' demographic numbering the millions!
I have had numerous conversations with folks who do not vote for various reasons which all equate to= they do not believe in the system! While i respect their view and at times have wrestled with the idea of voting myself (i mean hey... my first two elections were losses to W!) i contend that in my notion of an ideal political system i would be voting reguardless! Therefore i am committing myself to the culture of democracy as i imagine it in its most effective form. With that i recognize that because we the people do not have the power, and have worked ourselves into a state of dependance on these dreams salesmen, voting must be supplimented with a culture of dialogue around power, rights, and initiative. Along with dialogue must be a commitment to action. To strategy and action around attaining what we need to survive, self-sustain, and even build upon our condition to live comfortably.


As a citizen amongst the common people of this nation i am looking forward to taking it upon myself to do what is in my capacity to contribute to change. I am in solidarity with the struggling Black Masses; i am in solidarity with the struggling Latino Masses; i am in solidarity with the struggling White Masses and Asian Masses. We are at a disadvantage if we do not PRACTICE democracy as a way of living... if we do not PRACTICE service to one another; sharing power and compromising differences, while staying true to our objective: getting things done. Things can only get done if we work together! But more simply, they will only get done if we work! Government may provide some new opportunities to access resources and space, or they may every once in awhile put a check in our pockets, but if we dont organize a voice to serve as a checks and balances, what interest is it to them to serve us? That's me speaking in a very stern, oppressive voice, but i'm just being real with you. Because Barak Obama will have MANY people knocking on his door for this and for that.

-- He will have big companies proposing backroom deals to build stadiums that will replace park land or small businesses in your community... and if you are not there to stand in the way, he is going to take their little kick back and grant them permission.

-- He will have Real Estate Developers knocking on his door asking if he can privatize the projects, and build condos in your neighborhood, while eliminating affordable housing laws, and if you are not standing in the way you will either wind up moving out of state or paying double what you do now for living in a neighborhood you mightve been raised in your whole life, yet has a higher cost of living since wall street moved in with its nannys and bitch ass dogs. Why not take their little kick backs? It's not like you're there to challenge him!

-- He will put education money into vouchers which will allow a select few in each school the funds to transfer to/enroll in a private school, RATHER THAN, using that same money to hire better teachers at the schools your children are already in; and for the benefit of a few, the many will suffer!


I am proud that we are electing Barack Obama and i trust him to a certain degree. He has the roots of a community organizer so while i sit here telling you that in our communities we need to be meeting consistantly to speak about and confront such issues as Domestic Abuse, Police Brutality, Gentrification, Economic Exploitation in zoning policies, etc... while i tell you this is the only way to take it upon ourselves to secure stability and progress in our communities, i have some kind of faith that Obama was more than an opportunist whom simply breezed through the South Side of Chicago for some kind of credibility. At the same time i google everything/ i study... and seeing whom he has surrounded himself with in his cabinet, i know not to depend on him alone to change anything! In fact we may even soon find that he isn't REALLY one of us! Joe Biden was one of the biggest names in the Credit industry; an industry that just lost its arm and the left side of its chest_and he will have some sort of influence over our economy.. Rahm Emmanuel is one of the top Israeli lobbyists in this country, so dont even think you can begin to imagine an end to war in the middle east.

The Civil Rights Movement in America has been a GIANT influence on my political and social views. I left Journalism school to study African and Puerto Rican Studies with a minor in Urban Studies. Students of Black History in America criticize the theory of a 'Black Messiah', one person whom will come along to save us all. There was Martin Luther King whom was murdered, and since, the people have looked for 'the next'. This has been counter progressive. No ONE individual can truelly make change! Even Martin Luther King himself didn't put himself on some national pedestal. Hidden is the history of GREAT organizing that took place in churches and community centers, and living rooms, before MLK was anybody. Planning protests, planning newsletters and radio addresses, good samaritan car rides for the bus strike. There were children, women and men, and elders.(watch the documentary "Eyes on the Prize") All MLK did at first was wait for call to come and speak at events. Eventually though he did rise up to become the leader of the movement because noone else could get the message across better. Still, it was a movement. So it will depend on US to, YES, support this man by willing to vote him in. But it is on us to now stay together. He organized us for the vote. We must now remain one, in order to see him through his 4 years, that he serves our interests. That he signs the blank check. And everytime he fronts he needs to be checked on that. THAT IS.. if it is more important that he ACTUALLY help change things, than it is that he sit there for four years so that they can paint him onto the back cover of our childrens hard cover history books.
If there are two things i can say that go hand in hand in moving us forward it is
1) that Barack Obama has made us promises, and been clear on where he stands with us and where he compromises us/ stands against us.
2) that he has contunually reminded us that it is UP TO US! that it is ABOUT US!


Let's hold him to his word and make sure
that he is willing to *help see this change through!
That we are apart of the decision making processes...
That we assess our problems, get them out in the open,
and create some demands so that OUR TAXES go towards
fixing OUR PROBLEMS!



YES WE CAN!

My Pride Has Hosted the Liberty Dash

.
.

Triumph, touched my gut i conceive
it was gritting it's teeth
as my feet began picking up speed

Guess i'd describe it as liberating

being the humble thief whom split
from work with the chords in my wrists
secure on my fists as hampster cheeks

hustling to beat a tear to the subway
where i could relieve the garbage
bags of abandoned gear

to sell at the flea market sunday
for pampers and beer

.
ToneAre
.

Back*Lash

Scenerios you may_or_may not have imagined
on November 5th, 2008:

Possible result of an Obama victory:
- Hundreds/ possibly thousands of military personel (conservative and/or white) refuse to serve under him.
- Thousands/ possibly millions of citizens (conservative and/or white)refuse to ENLIST
- (On the flip side perhaps) Thousands/ possibly millions of citizens decide TO enlist with a restored faith in the system *especially young Black men and women

- Small angry mobs in the 'deep south' and isolated pockets in northern suburbs take to the streets to taunt, terrorize, assault, and in cases even murder Blacks.
- A select breed of sore civil servants in public agencies including hospitals, schools, etc. react by invalidating the victory; surpressing the high spirits of the people they serve. (we call these haters)
- Obama Victory celebrations light up homes across the nation.
- Millions come to tears over this moment in history (*especially folks whove lived through the civil rights era)
- Obama is assassinated

- A wave of disinvestment brings the stock market down even more
- (on the flip side perhaps) A wave of INvestments, from fresh progressive capitalists -nationally and internationally- creates a surge
- Al Quida releases a video saying they don't give a shit about who we've elected!
- World Leaders voice their satisfaction and congrats to Obama

- The Republican Party makes its last pitches, contesting the election before disappearing into obscurity for some time.
- (Or on the flip side) John McCain refuses to contest, immediately vowing to continue serving in govnt under Obama respectfully, and is disowned by the rest of the Republican party.


Possible results of a McCain victory:
- Protesters take to the streets suspecting a stolen election.
- lawsuits commence against states where voter disenfranchisement is charged.
- Small pockets of violence and destruction of property in cities.
- Universities hold intense demonstrations (may even result in the closing of some schools for the days that follow)

- Stock market falls all the more because of disinvestment by native as well as international capitalists whom have lost trust in the prevailing system under McCain.
- World Leaders release statments urging a McCain administration to be more open to diplomacy than was the reality under Bush.

- Democratic party contests the election with Obama at its forefront.
- (Or on the flip side) Obama vows to sponsor an investigation, yet cedes the election to McCain.

How to Survive

.
still showing the them-we how to survive
imperials bringing a language
weaved in the picture
that tells of how we-them
aquainted with bogus scripture
shaking on beads like orishas
how i'm still alive...

Now Iraq consumes a turkey november


still showing the them-we how to survive
imperials bringing a language
weaved in the big picture
that tells of how we-them
rooted in seminoles skins
playing to get a head on the wall
how i'm still alive...

appropriated dreams of a turban'd mascot
cheer The Sadr City Shiia for an Iraqi boy


Soldiers are going to feast holidays
and toss the ball around
protesters'll show up to the square
in a shemagh's new reichous celebrity


still showing them-we how to survive
imperials bringing a language
weaved in the picture
that tells of how we-them
learned on the tongue coded white with
which, we whip ourselves just as well


how i'm still alive...

May they never let a nose down
on their calligraphic thank you's
.
-ToneAre

Rolling Stone interview with RFK Jr. about possibility of a Stolen Election!!!

ROLLING STONE: IT'S ALREADY STOLEN


Investigation by Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and Greg Palast released today



Don't worry about Mickey Mouse or ACORN stealing the election. According to an
investigative report out today in Rolling Stone magazine, Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
and Greg Palast, after a year-long investigation, reveal a systematic program
of "GOP vote tampering" on a massive scale.

- Republican Secretaries of State of swing-state Colorado have quietly purged
one in six names from their voter rolls.

Over several months, the GOP politicos in Colorado stonewalled every attempt by
Rolling Stone to get an answer to the massive purge - ten times the average
state's rate of removal.

- While Obama dreams of riding to the White House on a wave of new voters, more
then 2.7 million have had their registrations REJECTED under new procedures
signed into law by George Bush.

Kennedy, a voting rights lawyer, charges this is a resurgence of 'Jim Crow'
tactics to wrongly block Black and Hispanic voters.

- A fired US prosecutor levels new charges - accusing leaders of his own party,
Republicans, with criminal acts in an attempt to block legal voters as
"fraudulent."

- Digging through government records, the Kennedy-Palast team discovered that,
in 2004, a GOP scheme called "caging" ultimately took away the rights of 1.1
million voters. The Rolling Stone duo predict that, this November 4, it will be
far worse. There's more:

- Since the last presidential race, "States used dubious 'list management'
rules to scrub at least 10 million voters from their rolls."

Among those was Paul Maez of Las Vegas, New Mexico - a victim of an unreported
but devastating purge of voters in that state that left as many as one in nine
Democrats without a vote. For Maez, the state's purging his registration was
particularly shocking - he's the county elections supervisor.

The Kennedy-Palast revelations go far beyond the sum of questionably purged
voters recently reported by the NYTimes.

"Republican operatives - the party's elite commandos of bare-knuckle politics,"
under the cover of fighting fraudulent voting, are "systematically
disenfranchis[ing] Democrats."

"If Democrats are to win the 2008 election, they must not simply beat McCain at
the polls - they must beat him by a margin that exceeds the level of GOP vote
tampering."

Block the Vote by Robert F. Kennedy Jr. & Greg Palast in the current issue
(#1064) of Rolling Stone. [Media enquiries - Dave Falkenstein, Sunshine Sachs &
Assoc, via interviews@gregpalast.com.]

Note - Kennedy and Palast are releasing, simultaneously with the Rolling Stone
investigative report what they call, the vote-theft 'antidote': a 24-page
full-color comic book, Steal Back Your Vote, which can be downloaded or
obtained in print from their non-partisan website, StealBackYourVote.org







Interview about Vote Theft


BuzzFlash: You have been investigating the coordinated and vigorous GOP effort
to suppress and steal votes since the theft of the election in 2000. You and
Robert F. Kennedy Jr. just did a BBC Documentary on what nefarious voter
suppression tactics the Republicans have in store for us in 2008. Can you
summarize some of the methods that the GOP are using to disenfranchise
non-Republican voters prior to the election, to prevent them from voting during
the election, and to keep their votes from being counted after the polls close?


Greg Palast: It's ugly. Consider: - In the swing state of Colorado, we found
that the Republican Secretary of State wiped out 19.4% - one in five - voter
names in an unnoticed mass purge. - In swing-state New Mexico, in the February
caucus, one in nine Democrats found their names missing from the voter rolls
supplied by the State. The elections supervisor of San Miguel County - whose
own name was missing from the rolls - has no confidence the state contractors
will fix it. Our statistical analysis showed there was a direct relationship
between your name and your race and income. The poor and the dark were
disappeared. - In Indiana, you heard about 10 nuns who lost their vote because
their ID - drivers' licenses - had expired (they were all over eighty). But
what about the others? We've calculated that 143,000 others were turned away -
disproportionately Blacks and new voters. And so on and so on.

BuzzFlash: BuzzFlash has been covering one public relations effort by the
Republican National Committee to create a false context for claiming voter
fraud. In short, they have been attacking a national community organizing group
called ACORN with news releases, lawsuits, surrogate assaults, etc., falsely
claiming (as they did in 2004 and 2006) that ACORN is engaged in the massive
illegal registration of primarily minority voters. Can you explain the
significance of the ACORN slander by the RNC?

Greg Palast: As RFK and I report, there are only about SIX voters found guilty
of federal voting fraud in a year. SiX! Out of 178 million registered voters.
So the GOP (and Fox and CNN) are running stories about ACORN signing up
zillions of illegal voters. Yep, there are a handful of phony names - but 'Mary
Poppins' has never shown up to vote. However, the Republican cry of 'Vote
Fraud!' has become the cover for purges and challenges to legal voters by the
millions. I even tracked down and filmed some of these so-called fraudulent
voters handed me from a GOP list. Every one was a legal voter. Tell us a bit
about the site and downloadable comic book that you launched with Robert F.
Kennedy, Jr. on how to prevent the theft of millions of votes by the
Republicans, yet again in 2008. The website is:
http://www.stealbackyourvote.org.

Greg Palast: Our Rolling Stone report that's out this week is all about how
they've stolen so many legitimate votes. The comic book, which includes the
Rolling Stone findings also includes the SEVEN WAYS TO STEAL IT BACK. And the
whole thing is illustrated brilliantly by comic crazies Ted Rall, Lukas Ketner
and Troubletown's Lloyd Dangle. I loved doing it. You can download the whole
comic book for a penny or more (donate more please) at StealBackYourVote.org.
And better yet, you can order bunches of the comic book there as well (and see
the short movies). Cool eh?

BuzzFlash: Can you briefly explain the role of ProsecutorGate at the DOJ in
efforts to suppress the Democratic vote in 2006? How did this fit in with Karl
Rove's grand voter suppression and theft plan?

Greg Palast: You betcha! Fired prosecutor David Iglesias told us something
astonishing: He said that he was fired because he refused to arrest innocent
citizens for voter fraud that didn't happen. That's obstruction of justice. It
was all about creating a hysteria over fraudulent voters that didn't exist.
This is what Iglesias basically said: "They wanted some splashy pre-election
indictments [Rove and the RNC] that would scare these alleged hordes of illegal
voters away." Only the voters were legal.

BuzzFlash: Isn't there one bright spot? You cut your teeth on GOP voter
disenfranchisement with brilliant reporting on how the Bush campaign team, Jeb
Bush, and Katherine Harris prevented tens of thousands of valid minority voters
from voting through a scheme to use an outside vendor, ChoicePoint, to create
an inaccurate list of felons who could not vote in 2000 in Florida. Hasn't the
current GOP governor, Charlie Crist, had the right to vote of ex-felons
restored?

Greg Palast: Crist is a duplicitous phony. On the one hand, he pretends they'll
let ex-cons vote as in almost every state. On the other hand less than a
handful of the half million ex-cons in the state have been able to get through
the insane rigamarole required to actually register. In most states ex-cons can
vote like anyone else.

BuzzFlash: As a follow up, from a practical matter, don't the Republicans have
to be within a certain striking distance to steal the election. If Obama keeps
trending up, or ends up with a double-digit popular vote victory, how could the
GOP steal the election? After all, if Nader weren't on the ballot in Florida
– despite all the nefarious Republican voter suppression and theft – Al
Gore would be president, right?

Greg Palast: That's what RFK and I say: you can't steal ALL the votes ALL the
time.

BuzzFlash: What can anyone do to halt another theft of the White House?

Greg Palast: Go to STEALBACKYOURVOTE.ORG. Get the comic book. Now was that so
difficult?*

BuzzFlash: For 8 years, you've been covering this issue. Some others have
joined you over time and it's a bit of a movement, albeit still relatively
small. But, as in 2000, not much has changed with the corporate media. They are
still pretty much ignoring the clear evidence of a coordinated GOP effort to
keep non-Republicans from voting and to steal votes wherever they can. Is there
any reason to think that they might awaken to their journalistic responsibility
to report on the mugging of democracy?

Greg Palast: Zero. That's why we have BuzzFlash. Bless you. [*In brief, Palast
advises voters to vote early; do not mail in your ballot; check on your
registration in advance to make sure there is not a glitch; don't vote a
provisional ballot; volunteer on election day; go to the polls with someone for
mutual support; and use the resources that you can get at
stealbackyourvote.org.]

The War Report

.

Number Of Iraqis Slaughtered Since The U.S. Invaded Iraq "1,273,378"

http://www.justforeignpolicy.org/iraq/iraqdeaths.html

===

Number of U.S. Military Personnel Sacrificed (Officially acknowledged) In America's War On Iraq 4,186

http://icasualties.org/oif/

===

The War And Occupation Of Iraq Costs
$564,120,535,129

See the cost in your community
http://nationalpriorities.org/index.php?option=com_wrapper&Itemid=182

.

! You Never Know !

Update On Our Cancer

Times have been hard!


Over the past month i have had to make sacrifices in my life to survive with a relatively fair amount of dignity. My dignity? My daughter. So having made a pretty bad decision in foregoing any full-time job opportunities so that i can Substitute Teach (Per Diem), and do my Community Organizing workshops in local high schools, i have found myself in a hole. The community organizing deal has been a blessing so far as the fresh young minds i have the priveledge learning from, but so far as managers and co-workers in the space: it has sucked! I dont find myself being allowed the same flexibility i bring. And the teaching gig hasn't been coming in consistant enough. So i am BROKE! So long as i can pay my child support weekly, i am not in desperate shape. But again, i have had to sacrifice. So i have moved out on my roomates in the Bronx, and come back home to mama's. Had to do it! Owe a months rent and i cannot continue to let the bills pile.

SO
Times are hard!



And in these hard times i really rely on my weekends for some peace of mind (for now! hopefully i can get rid of my weekend, much as that sux. I am seeking work to fill my Sats and Sunds). Unfortunatelly the people around me whom i have been REALLY REALLY reallyreallyreally tolerant of over the years have STILL failed to come through with the support i need. Material things? they are great.. and if you may be the type to feel i need to been happy for that much, i can't disagree. I am greatful that through my Friday routine in which i go chill with my boy, and through my Saturday routine in which my uncle comes over, that they always have a beer for me to drink, some weed for me to smoke, some food for me to eat. I DEEPLY appreciate the fact that they enjoy my company, and i wouldn't still be around on my weekends if i didn't value their company as well. I don't know what it is, but perhaps it has something to do with being Latino, being from Brooklyn, being a liberated man that family is something i can never let go of. But for my own psychological well being i am going to have to either get REALLY strong with some people, REALLY SOON... OR i am going to have to leave my routine for the past and move on. See you at one of the three or four main gatherings we will have in '09.

The support as far as emotional, psychological, when it comes to acceptance of my identity... it is cold.



Last weekend was one i was amped moving into. I was seriously considering leaving my part-time jay-o so that i can pursue subbing harder (because of how intensely uncomfortable i was feeling about some oppressive shit my program manager was putting me through). Got the text from my boy: "What you doing tonight?" BOOM, aight aight we gonna hang: COOL, i need that!

Just to put some context to it i have been somewhat of a mentor to this brother for a minute. I haven't imposed any learnings on him but he has grown more and more interested in political consciousness through HipHop. This to me is exciting! I consider myself politically conscious.. I am a Teacher.. So of course this is something that i am more than happy to know. We can build right? And we have! We've spoken philosophy here and there, we've recorded music, and i've even gotten through this bonding to spend significant time with my god son (his boy).

So it's Friday and i meet him at his parents house in the B.K. kingdom where they baby sit his boy. I greet his parents whom i've known a while; his dad was even one of my own teachers. So i'm just steady on glee. Kiss and hug my god son. When all of a sudden my man relapses into a character i once shamed over.

"I don't like the Heights. Too many spanish people", "His mother says this medicine might make him sterile. So i ask her: and who told you this? Your little friends from the projects?", then the really adolescent foolishness which some grown men continue to keep aflame when the subject they are degrading is not around "What do you call a black person on a bike? A dirt bike!"

Everyone smiles, but it is apparent to me, that it is an uncomfortable laugh.

As he went on and on, playing himself, judging and degrading his peoples (the conversation even extended into judging loved ones but im not taking it there; this is about me expressing my uncomfortability), as he went on, i felt myself back at monday... waiting for the weekend to be over.



Before i go on i need to say this: I love this brother!

Through all of our bonding and me sharing my values i had hoped that this was a part of himself that he conquered. I mean one minute you are praising the intelligence of poets who come from the projects, the next moment you feel you are in a position to elevate yourself above them. One moment you are saying that you will vote a black man president, the next moment you see nothing wrong with dehumanizing little black children who play and elder black veterans, working black folks and even those in the struggle by comparing them to monkeys and calling them dirt???

I was HOPING he had changed. But i realize that is a little self-reighteous of me. Which is why i say HOPING. AGAIN.. i dont IMPOSE! It is very easy for me to come with books and say: read this and if you dont then you are ignorant and i dont care to associate with ignorant people. That would be easy. That is not what i do. I meet people where they are at, and if i cant INSPIRE change by being a model of integrity. Then i have failed.

Apparently i have failed. And that is fine with me.

People have a right to their opinions and i dont expect you to see eye to eye with me because i am good at making points! In the end some people just feel comfortable identifying certain ways. HOWEVER while i was HOPING he would have changed and im not mad my HOPE didnt manifest. I WAS **EXPECTING** that he would at least out of respect for the fact that he knows HOW I IDENTIFY... WHAT IM COMFORTABLE WITH... i was expecting that he would meet me on my level. When Tone is here i am not going to say these things... and for that I AM upset!


To make matters worse i had visited the next day because he was ordering a boxing match and he invited me. At that point i was hurt and just wanted to be home for the weekend. But i agreed to meet that night. And sh!t was smooth sailing as folks came up in the house and i saw an old associate pa'tna. My brother was there with his significant other. And AGAIN he brings up the stupid 'joke': "What do you call a black person on a dirt bike?". This time his other guests laugh, AGAIN A FAKE LAUGH __i mean after all the joke isn't really funny. If that same wordplay was written in a rap it would be considered wack.. and if a comedian said it on stage it would invoke no imagery and no connection with relatable experiences.. thats BESIDES the fact that it is just plain disgusting/ 'classless'! His other guests laughed except for myself, and i am VERY PROUD to say: my brother. And that is when i challenged him:

"But, It's not even funny right?" i stated out to his guests who replied "It's stupid funny!"

**I should have replied: Well i'm not stupid so maybe that's why i couldn't relate**

Later on when folks said bye a female who was present came to say bye to me (and by the way this is the first time i have met this female *god bless her cute baby and god bless her. She seemed like a nice person) and she says: "Later my Nigga" all out of character.

Now dont get me wrong.. i am not all anal about using that word as a term of affection, i say it all the time, though not intentionally; i was just raised with it and i never use it hurtfully. Some would say that doesn't make a difference and they are right. I am wrong. I dont claim to hold the correct view on it. Its like smoking, a bad habit, but with no ill intent for those around me who may be exposed to it. THE WAY SHE SAID IT THOUGH, and seeing how throughout that evening she spoke perfect standard english, not a slang word, not a nigga from 8pm-1am... i felt like she was being a smart ass.



This is immaturity. I ask this because its improtant to ask ourselves: my god son at 1 point said about some other vulgarity: "I don't like that word". What have we come to when our children can be held to a higher moral reguard than we grown ass men/women? I swear to you we like.. took the level back to J.H. there.

I am ashamed. Again i felt isolated, and again found myself re-evaluating whether i have to put up with it. Whether it is going to be any good to my well being to spend my relax time feeling tense because folks wont respect who i am. It's ill because when we are around certain other people *ahem __white__'scuse me* these very same people tend to be on their best behavior. This makes me wonder what we feel about ourselves and why is it that we value more our conduct at those times. And around the brothers we get all agreeable like: 'true that, no doubt, peace my nig, one luv, yadayada'. To their face 'we' aint quite as corny.


anyway.. guess that will continue to be a struggle.\



This weekend it was the same shit, different violator.
And before i go into this, again... My family: I love them. My uncle, my brother..
My uncle, whom i cut off for a good long while because he brought his bigot shit a little too close to home when he made inappropriate comments about my daughter having Dominican ancestry. As if though my daughter, starting now, should get used to accepting that she is less than because HE BELIEVES that half of her comes from slutty, stupid, ugly, dirty...

Finally i have accepted him back into my life but i continue to keep distance. He comes over and most the time i will stay in my room. Feeling a prisoner in my own home when he is there, or coming out to be with him and feeling a nobody as he reverts each and every time into the same bullshit he speaks.. putting my nose in shit with every word, as if though he knows nothing else (quite frankly he has never proven he does know anything else. every problem in this world is due to others. never takes responsibility. he is poor because of blacks and jews. he is miserable because of his wife... **again... never a mention of --ahem __white people__... no surprise he is finally happy in his life now that he is a biker and spends his freetime bellying beer with white bearded blue eyed nazi muthafukas**)

So he comes over and i sit in the living room, to give the healing a chance. Maybe he will acknowledge that i am there and respect me the way he would if i were one of his biker friends whom for example may be a hard ass respected lesbian rider.. in which case i can imagine him toning down his sexist shit. Well here is his nephew.. someone who feels affectionate for his own people struggling and has a certain position on the issue, WHOM DOESNT IMPOSE THAT ON HIM, just IS whom he IS and just wishes to share the space on a common ground that we are family and i wouldnt mind talking bout how things have been going. WELL THAT went into the gutter. Wasn't long before he was on his "We don't need no Nigger President telling us this and that" and "Liberals are the reason for this and that". My brother.. whom i was proud of the week before. Wasn't strong enough as he was the week before, to shun this crap. I aint mad at him though. He is still growing and learning and finding his strength. As am i.

I mean.. i totally acknowledge how weak is the fact that i am putting all this in a blog and haven't confronted anyone to their face. I am growing. I am giving myself the space to build that strength! I choose a public forum because while i go through this others can read and learn AS I GO THROUGH IT. My struggles.

To me this type of behavior, while it says alot about peoples character, says more about their INTEGRITY! I can still remember being younger and my uncle being the one to tell me: don't put labels on people. And not saying it because he felt reighteous but expressing a truism: that when you label someone you ascribe characteristics to them based on the label you have branded them, and risk remaining ignorant about whats really the case. So for example someone might hear that i dont support the Iraq War and automatically assume i also support abortion because they think my protest of the war makes me "liberal" when the fact is that i have made it known that i do not support abortion! They might paint a picture in their mind that i am an organic health 'nut' who wants to adopt a South East Asian baby, worries away about the animals in the world that are tortured everyday and MUST be bi-sexual: ((NONE OF WHICH DESCRIBES ME! although bendito chill with the animals just a little bit)) ____________He was the one.. my uncle. All of a sudden the labels have re-emerged full throttle. On this matter he is at a loss of integrity, really and truelly! Not because he is exhibiting a poisonous character (see that's my opinion).. but because he is either not clear on what he believes and doesnt seem to care to find out, OR because he knows what he believes but doesn't hold it with enough conviction to stick with it consistantly. To allow it to define him.

That being said:

- Projecting you are one thing on front of one set of people; then projecting you are something else on front of others = lack of integrity. And by this i admit my own lack of integrity in not standing firm in demanding that i am not subject to interactions that are abusive to my emotions (yea yea i said emotions!).

- Knowing that there is something wrong in your environment. May not immediately effect people or may, but the point it is ethically wrong.. and failing to react = lack of integrity. Again. I take accountability for having been this person but for as long as i acknowledge it is a problem i strengthen the possibility of doing right.

- Refusal to remain open minded to not only hearing other influences (because you can be hearing but not listening), but refusal to accept that you yourself will forever need to be open to adapting = lack of integrity. This is one area that if nothing else i am pretty much in command of integrity over. I am not a walking amalgamation of sound bites. I know my opposing views more than most people i know who actually HOLD those views know them. And let me clear one thing up, because there are DEFINATELLY alot of people who have their facts together and it doesn't effect how they feel. To me that is cool, that's not a lack of integrity. People have different values, and for example you may be a conservative Republican and know the specifics of policy being proposed, you may have researched and even understand poverty, AnD still hold views which i believe are a detriment to poverty for example. Because your values are not mine; maybe you care less and feel that as an American you have the right to take care of yoursef and others need to worry bout themselves; i respectfully disagree and feel you have a disgusting character but if you like i said: understand the issue because you have read and have evaluated all arguments, then you don't lack integrity! Lacking integrity means that you don't own up to your responsibility. Your responsibility is to educate yourself. I dont listen to the ancors to be informed, i listen just to be up to date on what is being discussed. Others actually rely on these people for information. All you walk away with is THEIR opinion, because those people are put there to represent the bias of the stations ideology. I take into account actual facts and policy as stated by direct sources, then decide what represents me. For example: Someone on MSNBC or FOX says "no child left behind is leaving children behind" i don't go and use that as some kind of slogan in my back pocket when political discussions arrive. I research the No Child POLICY and then being familiar with schools and neighborhoods where children fail i identify points in the policy which are flawed; would fail students. So my reply would be "No Child Left Behind is leaving children behind because it creates a system where funding for schools depends on test scores. Thus teachers are just teaching to students memory for tests so that the school doesnt have to fire half the staff the next year." Then i would follow that with "When you crammed for a test... did you remember what you learned afterwards?" Someone lacking integrity as far as owning up to committing to learning would reply something like "No Child Left Behind is leaving children behind because its just bad policy. The democrats are the ones who worry about education, so apparently they havent been worrying enough" <>

Anyway im getting off topic. But before i finish by telling you why i'm writing all of this let me first admit to areas of weakness which i have succumbed to this year. Let me call myself out on my lack of integrity in areas. Because as a matter of integrity it is important that before asking others to reflect and change i must be willing to own up to my own lack of integrity. I am not in denial!

___I had an affair with a married woman with children. For MONTHS she was practically living with me. Her children were with their father and for the most part she was with me all of the time. I cant sit here and talk about my own fucked up child hood and ignore the fact that i have contributed to what may have developed into an issue these children will be dealing with for a long time. The time momma dissappeared! I am ashamed at myself and forever sorry.

___I have not done ALL i can do to be a more consistant presence in my daughter's life. And while in comparison to some fathers i am doing alright, it is not about other fathers. It is about my daughter and how our relationship, how she, will be affected by my absence. May the lord guide me and allow me to clear some hurdles on this!

___My communication with my mother, and siblings has SUCKED! With my mother it has gotten better than it was in the past. But we still do have these rough interactions; we yell, we put each other down, we ignore ... i know better and i want to take accountability to take it upon MYSELF to do better. I am wrong. With my siblings things are really bad! We barelly ever talk. This may feel comfortable, but it is a problem. In fact i barelly kiss or hug my sister. I never talk to her on the phone. Through pregnacy and problems in her home i havent been there. We are all struggling, we need each other more than ever. I am the oldest and i have failed in my responsibility of mentorship.

____My great grandmother sits in the back room of my home and most days i come home to my room or the living room and will go without stepping foot inside to say hello, to speak with her. Her mind is going, i haven''t been a support. I can't sit here and talk about us supporting one another in our communication if i have allowed this woman to dissappear. She is rare; a matriarch, almost 100 years old. My grandmother feeds her, cleans after her, puts her to sleep... If im not going to help (and everyone really should contribute to helping), i should at least be there to engage her while she is on this earth and i haven't done that. In my generation it is hard to see how that is shameful. We are so priveledged: "well she's being taken care of, she's old, probably wont even recognize you, whats the point, i dont have to be there 24/7" But i understand well that i am wrong! If that is my generation, we are wrong!

*There are many more ways in which i know i''ve lacked integrity. Maybe once a day in some way, but i am not going to say that i can take on the challenge of being perfect. I cant put it in enough words. But the above are MAJOR issues and at least acknowldging the major areas is an act of integrity in itself. And it feels good to create the possibility of turning things around!

_______________________IN CLOSING___________________________

My point in all this is that we need to be supportive of one anothers differences as we give one another time to come to terms with the fact that we can survive as a unit if we respect these differences. Ive been in spaces where everytime i go almost half the comments refered to me imply that anything having to do with me is the result of me being a Puerto Rican. Only when its amongst Boricuas once in awhile its ok. But i might even get uncomfortable with that if its over the top. If you are a comrade of mine and u notice that maybe i dont laugh as much as u about it or that im constantly changing off topic you need to be responsive to my discomfort and try facilitating a space we can share respectfully. I know that when i chill with Vets (my brother and uncle are vets) for example, i do not discuss war and if i do, again, i try leaving out my position, just for the sake of getting along. Otherwise why be there at all? When my uncle was here i made one statement about the war "we are over there with two agendas: to defeat 'the enemy' and still to appeal to the 'citizens' " and i suggested that is why soldiers are being prosecuted for crimes. To show the Iraqi's that the U.S. is not an occupier but a 'liberator'. Is that the truth? YES that is the true intent and purpose. Does it compromise MY beliefs? Not the fact that it is true, but the language i used i only used as a means of middle ground with my uncle and brother. Because in my view Iraq is a very politically currupt war, thus we are not liberators but occupiers and in my view they are not 'the enemy'!

While i make such sacrifices to my own integrity in sharing the space those around me have not been as fair in sacrificing their own views. And you know what.. they dont have to be! Maybe it makes them stronger people the fact they wont sacrifice their integrity. But in that case at least avoid bringing up areas we have differences of. Or dont expect me to sit there and fill my ears with you!

There are alot of places i want to go spiritually, emotionally, politically, personally and i will never get there around people who carry an attitude that they dont give a fukk where i want to go. That leaves me to make a decision then: Is it more important that i remain stagnant and unhappy. Or find folks who will if not be willing to go there with me, allow me to BE, freely and in healthy unviolated spirits as i venture there on my own with good family to come back to and share with in between. What we need to do is love one another and show affection; uncompromising affection and i dont mean some kiss on the cheek that boosts our heads to the heights of traditional gangsters. I mean asking questions about how we feel and rather than choosing a subject to throw arrows out in fleshing out whatever frustration we may have; ACTUALLY DEALING with our issues.

Supportive!

-Tony Rivera

Oh Rebecca

.
..
Knew a grown woman who fell apart once
Yes I'm sad to know I once did
But privileged to have, you must know,
The whole pueblo should be told
who she is

The mask on My eyes she did lift
I haven't reclused back
Behind ever since
She's my swagger; are the confidence
That I rapped it to this mami with

The whole pueblo should know who you are…
She mothers a man in my heart

When sly time to blink open the smile
Like blinds curling up to sunshine,
Cuando la lengua grinds a nod to the room,
When it's mine the guiding hand assumes
It's you
Why there's rhythm, why there's dialogue,
How I know firm embrace by moist inch,
Moans and giggles stop to kiss in the middle
and we continue at lip when we're through
because of you!

I'm needing her to know it too

The pueblo __must know__ you are
one of these women, who go falling apart,
running, for lord knows what
bundled with bags __after the bus,
walking as she hasn't most the years
most boys arked behind have been alive,
standing where her ass perks her up
on her phone somewhere outside,
waving her eyeballs around, ducking
her head and heaven knows why
waving her eyes side to side,
like a baby saying a lie

All the hood knows her, long as they have
by what's gone around the latest word
How baby i wish they'd remember you as
their native daughter, their sister at church

A mother of men of her own
Sometimes I lament with
A willow in my spine
Seeing you crying somewhere alone
though I know you're the run of minds
more tangible than a promise is,
for nostalgic pleasures
that wont come around again

Why shouldn't they have been horizons
striped ____on her wool stockings
and sunshine's glare
goggling in her stare?
Why did i take it there,
where psychosis suspends a refrain
from the deranged?; as if the gold lit
in your heart had corroded
to the makeup flaking your face
and sent the cracks splitting up your nails...
While her words chased the helium in her veins
i could have ____come up with a way
of giving back all the time
Rebecca's been on my mind

I know a woman I'm not so sure knows
Who she is anymore than I knew
Whom she was before the pieces of her
released me on stilettos,
i picked up on, as i gathered
you were letting go...
Since you've bade me your crazy adieu
a good part of me reguards me detestible
in reflection of what i've left of you
Wooed, Sexed; ___susceptible to
dry up in the soul; como un guiro

A woman fallen apart,
beneath a wife and mother of five...
on top of a happy home
she's on the sneak from
for a place to plant her feet,
on the run, for a place to return from
...return from in one piece
..
Tone.Are
.

Missing My Nadia

Yesterday i returned once again, beat, from a long 14 hour round trip to and back from Virginia to return my daughter to her mother. She was with me for a week and a half. I had taken the available time during our Jewish Holiday Tuesday off to take that same 14 hour trip to get her. But taking her to New York is a different animal than bringing her back to VA. The bus to NY is an overnight trip (12:30am-7:00am) so, i had the luxury of anticipating that she would sleep it through. Bringing her back i figured, would be the tough part, as the bus leaves China Town at 5:00pm. She doesn't go to sleep till after 8pm, so that is at least 3 hours to have her sitting still in a seat (which i am never successful at).


The bus returned early; the capping of a good ride considering i also had an extra seat to myself. But my mind wasn't as good to me. I can pretty much say that i had already begun slumping into depression, and throughout the night was randomly stoked awake by anxiety about a crash. I carried the same fear when Nadia was with me just hours earlier, yet without her there, though i could only be content with the fact that if forbid something did happen she was safe with her mother, i would day dream off through the feeling of heavy clouds in my chest, about my future
with my baby.
What i am assessing as a somewhat eroding situation between her mother and i has weighed heavy on my mind as to when will be the next time i see my daughter, and whether on her mothers part, conversations are being had with the girl in upholding a responsibility to her, that she be made to understand she has family here that loves her as well.
This comes a week and a half (upon arriving in NY with Nadia) after i received a call from her (that morning when the bus arrived with us in China Town), in which she requested that this be the last time i bring her back up here "because she is getting confused". And with all due respect to Mama Nadia over there and her right to have a relationship, grow, marry, what.have.you, it doesn't make me feel safe about the coming years knowing this is being told to me as another man goes contributing to Nadias upbringing; spending a whole lot more time with her than i and i don't doubt, contributing in other ways. I am not drawing conclusions but simply reacting to what i know and how i feel upon such an unfair command. It is a situation i cannot control, and honestly do not wish to.
It is important to me that Nadia's mother is happy, and you know what.. i would even go as far as saying, that it is wonderful to know that Nadia has a consistant male figure in her life. I disagree with the suggestion of a friend of mine that i NEVER accept that another man be allowed to own the title daddy over my daughter. Again, that is kind of not in my hands. Someday Nadia will go to school and if i am at the distance i am today, and she is knowing other children her age who call the man picking them up at 3pm daddy, she will begin to call this man daddy as well. HOWEVER, with that same respect, i expect some respect in return. I WILL NOT be called by my name. If anything she WILL know that she has a daddy with my face, even if that means she has two daddys. This wouldn't mean she is confused, but rather, that she is SPECIAL!
-She has two homes: 1 in Virginia, 1 in NY
-She has more than one grandma and one of them is Daddys mommy in New York!
-And she has the right to grow into both homes, both families... If it just so happens to be the nature of things because her mother has grown into a new family herself__certainly then Nadia has the right to grow into a third family.

My biggest fear is that someday my daugher will find it a CHORE rather than a priveledge to come see her father. That her mother will have to round up her things and say, you are going to see your father in New York and that my daughter will kick and scream and cry, resisting, because she is not comfortable here. I recognize this can only happen if i do not do my part, and you know what, that's just not an option. Because i have kept up. IM the one who makes the calls, 3 times a week. And if what is being insinuated is that i do not call enough, get ready because i will just have to call EVERY DAY! This has been the case since her mother got pregnant. I kept in contact throughout the pregnancy. Barely ever a call to MY phone. She told me straight out that it was up to me, and i have manned up to that challenge. But how does it go from "It's up to you" to "I think we need to calm it down" ??? Such a turn of events forces me to put the mirror up to Mama Nadia: IT IS UP TO YOU AS WELL! and not only for MY sake.. but lets be unselfish in recognizing for the baby's sake! My good friend/brother said it best "I don't understand these women. You have all of these guys who don't do their part, you would figure it's a good thing when someone steps up to be there. Do they want the father in the childs life or not?"

When i received my daughter in my arms a week and a half ago in a dark lot outside of a bus waiting for me to board with her bundled in blankets, she let out a cry that lasted less than a minute. That is natural. Even when she is 13 years old and leaving for New York for a month i do not doubt she will cry. That is her mother! But again, it lasted less than a minute and immediately after that she looked at my face with her tired eyes and put her head on my shoulder. Two minutes later her head was off my shoulder and her eyes stared past my shoulder to the rows of seats behind me. What i thought would be an easy trip to New York wound up actually being the tough part. She wanted to play. So we are in the wee hours of the morning and i am juggling her in my seat, fumbling around with her: allowing her to shove her passifier in my mouth for a laugh, letting her play with my hat, singing the ABC's to her and letting her tire herself out by climbing down off the seat and back up into my lap again. Finally another passenger, whom had two seats and noticed me struggling, asked if i wanted to trade. There i was able to give her space to lay and squirm till she fell out. With my bones hurting from traveling so long i nestled myself in so that we both fit in our humble two seats.
On the Flip Side; going back down to return her, wound up ironically being the easy ride. I was methodic in how i handled it. We woke up early that day and headed out the door. My plan was to make it a long day out so that by the time we hit the bus she can fall out early and wouldnt have to suffer should we be stuck with one seat again. I took her out to shop around, brought her up to the Bronx to see my peoples, and transitioned through the subways, allowing her to nap no longer than an hour at a time. When we got on the bus though she wasn't ready as i wished she'd have been to seep into her dreams. But that's when i found myself if anything, baring the chance for a final few hours with my daughter. So having been blessed with the back row (an extra TWO seats), i fumbled around with her for a finale; holding her off first with some newspaper and a marker, more nursery rhymes, some sight seeing out the window (look a car, look a dog, say hi to the man, sky.. SAY skyyyy). In between i gave her juice, i gave her her pacifier (which she would throw, and i'd retrieve), i'd give her crackers). I paced the hour perfectly. Then before her eyes begun to wobble in their sockets and she began to whine the 'im sleepy' whine, she stared me in the eye, suckling her pacifier, and said in Barney's candence "I LOVE -YOU!", before quickly sticking her neck out to plant a kiss on my lips (through her bobo), then laying her head on my shoulder.

That touched my heart.

In my life there has been alot that i have started and failed to finish; Some of it i simply gave up on, some of it has been a work in progress, that i add to like each layer of the seasons does the earth. The relationships i have made over the years, the folks i've grown with and those ive met along the way; their numbers for the most part remain on my phone, some are gone; every once inawhile they cross my mind, but still, i am a loner. I might drop in for a birthday then dissapear again. There have been promises i have failed to keep. It all reminds me, admittingly not in the organic sort of immediate sense, but if i am challenged to find a metaphor, of my father and the time he spent with me growing up. My mother raised me and for a good portion of my life i had a step father fill the void of my father, whom i would see on weekends. Sometimes he was more consistant than others. Sometimes he made promises he didn't keep. But he was a good man, whom like no other perhaps, was a sharing man (He'd throw everything in the fridge at us; often times dinner consisted of both Chicken AND FISH on the same plate as mashed potatoes, Macaroni and Cheese and Rice). He didn't have much but we couldn't tell. We didn't see it as staying with him in a studio the size of a box, or a basement apartment with low ceilings, we saw it as a weekend when the breeze felt a bit better; weekend with daddy. We didn't see it that he had a drinking problem, and that so much of the time he seemed a disconnected, almost as if though while we asked questions his mind was floating. We just knew that was our mellow dad, with a spikey chin and big hands. He used to always give to the homeless and sometimes we'd even spend our weekends playing by Prospect Park as he sat on the bench to talk with them. He would take us to see a baseball game every once in awhile and to go fishing.
But by the same token as ive gotten older i cannot ignore that there were times we struggled without him. That my mother carried the burden and that when all said and done he in fact was this sort of guy who came and saved the day in our disillussioned minds, while our mother never did enough. It didn't help that at the age of 13 he would leave and simply never return.
That being said, I will never forget when Nadia's mother told me in plain terms "I want you to be there for Nadia, more than my father was there for me". She said this, despite the fact that she feels that her father WAS there for her. But as is the case with my situation, just being there here and there wasn't enough. I know this is true, because i feel that way. I went through it. And in having been so i have the insight to be able to step back every once inawhile to evaluate where i am with my daughter, and where i need to be.
There are MANY ways in which i need to make up for, in being there the way i feel i need to be. So my depression is partly of my own making, although, this is not about ME or my depression,. It is not about Nadia's mother, or my father or anyone else but our baby girl!

Nadia was conceived not out of a romantic passion but out of a different kind of love. A love of LIFE. A deeply held sense of humanity, spirituality and faith, in ourselves as potential parents and by parents, at least speaking for myself, i mean a human being with a natural affinity towards reproducing my own, intent upon contributing to the physical and spiritual miracle that is our existance. There can never be too many, there can never be one least important or marvelous than the other. But for all my ambition and will for humanity, there was a void in my life to begin with when i received the call that i had conceived a child. Quite simply i wanted a child. It wasn't a back up plan and for all i talk about my values, it went beyond avoiding abortion. It was something i cannot explain. I think its something that all humans hold intuitively. A yearning. I simply wished to allow it to manifest. Because for once i think i knew i had something to complete.
If there were ever anything i am OWED, by the government, by Mama Nadia.. it is the next 17 years of the right to my daughter.
If there were ever anything i WANT, it is for Nadia's will to happily know and need me for those 18 years, and to WANT the same to continue with me till the day she's got to burry me with my grandchildren by her side.

Think i could use one of those neck support cushions for the trips which commit me for years to come.
.
.
The bus pulled up on Canal Street at around 6:30am. The silent feet carried their bodies incrementally out onto the pale sidewalk. My mouth held the night in and my eyes, the crud drying in the sun rays arriving to open me up to another day. My body ached, but held easy anticipating the rest awaiting me, where i erected in the cool air by a bus stop around the corner. In the silence of a morning stretching awake with an occasional car swishing past and padestrian skipping by with a ducked head, i waited still in my thoughts; a cat from behind the gate of an empty lot rubbing a pur on my polyester sweat suite as it walked figure 8's between my legs. Then the bus, through its windows the small shops posting Chinese signs building to impressive skyscrappers rising solemn in the solitude of a sunday off. Then then ferry terminal, coffee, the paper, then the boat and its own windows, water out the window, whitening clouds, and land... A long ride home to go; the bus and its curvatures through and around the hills of downtown Staten Island and up along Hylans coast.
When finally i got to creak my way into the light bathing living room i took the opportunity to disassemble myself. Off with my bag, my shoes, my sweater... and to the room which stores my belongings. Through the door i pushed, remaining aback with my eyes on the first thing to grab them. Nadia's little bed, empty, with her blanket still jumbled in her place. From it's angle on the ground stood I, overstanding the emptyness i saw in my eye and felt inside. Yet unable to overlook the sorrow.


-Tony

The Wedding DJ

Momz duke asked me to create a playlist/ mix CD of joints for her wedding in January. I have come up with a preliminary list of 43 songs.


The order plays as follows:

John Coltrane- Giant Steps

Herbie Hancock- Cantalope Island

All 4 One- So in Love

Eric Clapton- Wonderful Tonight

Paul McCartney & Wings- Maybe I'm Amazed

George Benson- Affirmation

Isley Brothers- Living for the Love of You

Jill Scott- Is It the Way

D'Angelo- Feel like Making Love

Hector Lavoe- Emborrachame De Amor

Santos Colon- Mirame Mas

George Benson- Breezin'

Mariah Carey- Always Be My Baby

Ne-Yo- Because Of You

John Legend- We Just Dont Care

Hoobastank- The Reason

Earth Wind and Fire- Reasons

Sade- Your Love Is King

George Benson- Valdez in the Country

Donny Hathaway- Love Love Love

Floetry- Say Yes

Amy Winehouse- Moody's Mood For Love

Lauren Hill- You're Just too Good to be True

The Eagles- Best of my Love

Isaac Hayes- Hung up on my Baby

The Gap Band- You Dropped A Bomb on Me

Hall & Oates- Kiss on My List

The Whispers- Rock Steady

The Rolling Stones- Wild Horses

Billy Joel- Just The Way You Are

Carlos Santana- Oye Como Va

Stevie Wonder- For Once in My Life

Nina Simone- My Baby Just Cares for Me

Al Greene- Let's Stay Together

Alicia Keys- No One

Jagged Edge- Promise

Eddie Palmieri- Azucar

Dave Mathews Band- Crush

KC and JoJo- All My Life

Luther Vandros- Here and Now

Joe Cocker- You Are So Beautiful To Me

Frank Sinatra- Love and Marriage

Miles Davis- Human Nature

-Tony