Good time for a Party

Completed my summer season assignment with The Center For Family Life's Summer Youth Employment Program yesterday. It was a Friday which capped a whole week of goodbyes to youth whose names i hardly remembered even after 6 weeks (I get 8 workshops a week maaaaaannn, but yea my memory for names sux), but whom i gave a bunch and took a whole lot away from. It was more pleasing than emotional. I have maturen'd to the point where i can see them out the door and just feel inspired yet totally ok in the confidence they will make it in whatever way they may. Life is a beautiful struggle; some will learn that and grow from it, some will whither, but the natural order of things continues on.

About the workplace drama with co-workers. That came to completion yet lingered till the moment i left the facility. I had expected someone might bring it up because earlier in the week my co-facilitator basically let it be known that some folks were upset that i didn't mention names, and wanted to know if i was talking about them. Funny how shit gets twisted (more on that in a moment). So i expected it to come up again at our final meeting.. why not? Pizza and soda, reflection on a great summer, and oh yea... that thing Tony was talking about. The confrontation was invited by our supervisors whom thought it a good idea to bring the issue up because of some unresolved tension which carried over into the week. No doubt, no doubt... I was ready! So paper was handed out along with a pencil for each person to write a few words summing how they felt about Friday's meeting (*see the post before this one). People said how they felt. Half said they weren't bothered by the comments and the other half indicated that they indeed were aggrivated. So i addressed the group:

-While i apologize for pointing out one specific Sister's dilema with her group, as a point of reference for how we are lacking in our devotion to what we do (Fairly enough, because i wasn't in her class to know exactly what went on. And my reaction was more the becoming of an attitude i had saw/heard voiced/ permiating the group on down time), I DO NOT REGRET MY COMMENTS

-While i can admit that i broke a certain trust with my co-workers (And at my evaluation i even asserted that if there were one thing i regret about the summer it was failing to build better personal relationships with co-workers, and failing to confront them personally about issues before presenting it to the group), I DO NOT REGRET BRINGING OUT MY FRUSTRATIONS TO THE GROUP, THUS KEEPING A COMMITMENT TO MY RESPONSIBILITY TO THESE YOUTH, AND DOING IT IN THE PROFESSIONAL SPACE WHERE WE CAN DISCUSS IT PROFESSIONALLY


It wasn't enough for some folks. So i had to let them know! Whatever tension had built up during the week was the result of conversations which occured OUTSIDE of the space on peoples personal time (basically gossip!) When i said that i saw a few heads nod, and shoulders freeze close (BOOYAAH!)
I was asked by one co-worker (with whom my problem WAS NOT with, yet whom with i am constantly butting heads because she just must not like me or SUTTIN!) to stop addressing my concern as a general one and to "name names" and speak directly to whomever i had a beef with.
She missed the point. I didn't bring my concern to the table because of any specific individual. It was a culture which was building amongst us. Alot of who cares, which to me is absolutely unacceptable because as i stated "This is what i do! And i will not allow my job to be degraded as some babysitting gig" SoRrY! So i reminded her how when i made the comments last week i made it clear that i was addressing everyone in the room, including myself for having slacked, and that i wasn't sending any so called "subliminal messages" (In fact, the person most flagrant about their oppressive/negligent attitude towards the youth WAS NOT EVEN AT THE MEETING in which i addressed the issue... so had i named names i wouldve been wrong reguardless because then it would have been "ohh.. you are talking about someone who isnt here to defend themself") -by the way it's amazing to me how all of a sudden it is more professionally acceptable to point out the individual, when in fact i was warned against 'attacking' when i addressed my co-worker/Sister last week (to whom i've since apologized), and how all of a sudden the proper place to speak about workplace issues is not in our meetings but at the lounge on Friday evening. Almost forgot, that we must keep our petting session appointment now.. because that's what our meetings have been were it not for me to bring some shit to the table.
So anyway yea, i let it be known that i was addressing the whole group.. then i let this female have what she asked for, and i confronted HER... D I R E C T L Y! expressing how i feel that since i've known her she has shown a tendancy to have to dominate conversations and space and how the fact that she tried setting perameters in framing how i am to address individuals DIRECTLY, based on her own annoyance with my so called "vague" approach, was precisely an example of how she feels she always has to be at the helm of a conversation WITH the final word.
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She broke into tears, for a moment hell broke loose as folks moved to the edge of their seats, one brother (whom was supporting me) walked out, having predicted this was EXACTLY what would happen if i was to address anyone directly.

After that i realized that there were just some people who were not going to back down. They weren't going to conceide their pride. Imagine talking shit behind someones back for a whole week, then that person is actually addressing the fact that you have been talking shit and that that person does not regret anything they've said.. in fact they've reasserted their position. Nobody wanted to walk out of there feeling like an ass! They was fucking with the wrong person then. I recognized that i had gotten my point across to those whom took my comments for what they were and que se joda with everyone else. So i fell back from that point on and let the 2 or three stragglers get their pieces out. Even said sorry at the end of it all because in all reality, it wasnt supposed to result to this, and i really did want to kill the tension. I really did want to walk away with hugs. There were some increadibly talented and sincere Youth Workers in the group. Unfortunately though the love i once felt (like first two weeks) never came back for a goodbye. So i walked out of that meeting civil yet alone. Content with the fact that some of the younger workers got a chance to see that work isn't always just coming in to fill your hours. That they are apart of a movement whether they know it at this point or not.. whether they truelly do pick up that guard or not!

Exude confidence, Exude hope, strength/ courage
be critical, always honest
and all out of love!

It's the same approach i take with my youth, with my family...


That night i went to my boys to have a dring and smoke and to speak a few rhymes. I was really tense still though. I cant smoke when the mood aint chill and the cold shoulder/isolation i had felt throughout the week had me exhausted. It was the perfect time for a party. And we had one planned here in the BX for my roomate on Saturday (just a couple of hours ago). My other roomate called me while i was at my boys house getting nice. He was pissed because we had planned to clean on Friday night. I vowed to get here in the morning and i did. I brang groceries, cleaned, cooked and helped host something like 70 people for a good man. Being the helping hand is what i needed. I kept myself busy. Didn't know anyone so didn't really have a choice, im not the initiator of convoz with folks i dont know, takes me sometimes months before i can warm up to anyone. Eventually the house just got too packed and so i took myself up to our roof for the first time, where i just observed the night with the bass bumping below. There i stood for 3 hours, even napping. Then i returned to the small bunch of people who remained. Had a good easy talk with some brothers and sisters on our lives and schooling and beliefs and such (all brief). Then they evaporated one by one.
In the end it was just three of us cleaning up.


This has been a summer of mixed emotion for me. Not very eventful yet very important in the time i have gotten to spend with people i need to be spending time with (namely my daughter). Building with folks whove dedicated their lives to do what i do *some amazing people i might add. But there is this sense of urgency and lethargy mixing like something that stales to brittle. Im not where i want to be, OR i am going where i want to be and realizing that it will be more work than enjoyment away from such. Which is ok for me. Totally ok with me.


I hear things i never have
I see things i never have


Progression?