Update On Our Cancer

Times have been hard!


Over the past month i have had to make sacrifices in my life to survive with a relatively fair amount of dignity. My dignity? My daughter. So having made a pretty bad decision in foregoing any full-time job opportunities so that i can Substitute Teach (Per Diem), and do my Community Organizing workshops in local high schools, i have found myself in a hole. The community organizing deal has been a blessing so far as the fresh young minds i have the priveledge learning from, but so far as managers and co-workers in the space: it has sucked! I dont find myself being allowed the same flexibility i bring. And the teaching gig hasn't been coming in consistant enough. So i am BROKE! So long as i can pay my child support weekly, i am not in desperate shape. But again, i have had to sacrifice. So i have moved out on my roomates in the Bronx, and come back home to mama's. Had to do it! Owe a months rent and i cannot continue to let the bills pile.

SO
Times are hard!



And in these hard times i really rely on my weekends for some peace of mind (for now! hopefully i can get rid of my weekend, much as that sux. I am seeking work to fill my Sats and Sunds). Unfortunatelly the people around me whom i have been REALLY REALLY reallyreallyreally tolerant of over the years have STILL failed to come through with the support i need. Material things? they are great.. and if you may be the type to feel i need to been happy for that much, i can't disagree. I am greatful that through my Friday routine in which i go chill with my boy, and through my Saturday routine in which my uncle comes over, that they always have a beer for me to drink, some weed for me to smoke, some food for me to eat. I DEEPLY appreciate the fact that they enjoy my company, and i wouldn't still be around on my weekends if i didn't value their company as well. I don't know what it is, but perhaps it has something to do with being Latino, being from Brooklyn, being a liberated man that family is something i can never let go of. But for my own psychological well being i am going to have to either get REALLY strong with some people, REALLY SOON... OR i am going to have to leave my routine for the past and move on. See you at one of the three or four main gatherings we will have in '09.

The support as far as emotional, psychological, when it comes to acceptance of my identity... it is cold.



Last weekend was one i was amped moving into. I was seriously considering leaving my part-time jay-o so that i can pursue subbing harder (because of how intensely uncomfortable i was feeling about some oppressive shit my program manager was putting me through). Got the text from my boy: "What you doing tonight?" BOOM, aight aight we gonna hang: COOL, i need that!

Just to put some context to it i have been somewhat of a mentor to this brother for a minute. I haven't imposed any learnings on him but he has grown more and more interested in political consciousness through HipHop. This to me is exciting! I consider myself politically conscious.. I am a Teacher.. So of course this is something that i am more than happy to know. We can build right? And we have! We've spoken philosophy here and there, we've recorded music, and i've even gotten through this bonding to spend significant time with my god son (his boy).

So it's Friday and i meet him at his parents house in the B.K. kingdom where they baby sit his boy. I greet his parents whom i've known a while; his dad was even one of my own teachers. So i'm just steady on glee. Kiss and hug my god son. When all of a sudden my man relapses into a character i once shamed over.

"I don't like the Heights. Too many spanish people", "His mother says this medicine might make him sterile. So i ask her: and who told you this? Your little friends from the projects?", then the really adolescent foolishness which some grown men continue to keep aflame when the subject they are degrading is not around "What do you call a black person on a bike? A dirt bike!"

Everyone smiles, but it is apparent to me, that it is an uncomfortable laugh.

As he went on and on, playing himself, judging and degrading his peoples (the conversation even extended into judging loved ones but im not taking it there; this is about me expressing my uncomfortability), as he went on, i felt myself back at monday... waiting for the weekend to be over.



Before i go on i need to say this: I love this brother!

Through all of our bonding and me sharing my values i had hoped that this was a part of himself that he conquered. I mean one minute you are praising the intelligence of poets who come from the projects, the next moment you feel you are in a position to elevate yourself above them. One moment you are saying that you will vote a black man president, the next moment you see nothing wrong with dehumanizing little black children who play and elder black veterans, working black folks and even those in the struggle by comparing them to monkeys and calling them dirt???

I was HOPING he had changed. But i realize that is a little self-reighteous of me. Which is why i say HOPING. AGAIN.. i dont IMPOSE! It is very easy for me to come with books and say: read this and if you dont then you are ignorant and i dont care to associate with ignorant people. That would be easy. That is not what i do. I meet people where they are at, and if i cant INSPIRE change by being a model of integrity. Then i have failed.

Apparently i have failed. And that is fine with me.

People have a right to their opinions and i dont expect you to see eye to eye with me because i am good at making points! In the end some people just feel comfortable identifying certain ways. HOWEVER while i was HOPING he would have changed and im not mad my HOPE didnt manifest. I WAS **EXPECTING** that he would at least out of respect for the fact that he knows HOW I IDENTIFY... WHAT IM COMFORTABLE WITH... i was expecting that he would meet me on my level. When Tone is here i am not going to say these things... and for that I AM upset!


To make matters worse i had visited the next day because he was ordering a boxing match and he invited me. At that point i was hurt and just wanted to be home for the weekend. But i agreed to meet that night. And sh!t was smooth sailing as folks came up in the house and i saw an old associate pa'tna. My brother was there with his significant other. And AGAIN he brings up the stupid 'joke': "What do you call a black person on a dirt bike?". This time his other guests laugh, AGAIN A FAKE LAUGH __i mean after all the joke isn't really funny. If that same wordplay was written in a rap it would be considered wack.. and if a comedian said it on stage it would invoke no imagery and no connection with relatable experiences.. thats BESIDES the fact that it is just plain disgusting/ 'classless'! His other guests laughed except for myself, and i am VERY PROUD to say: my brother. And that is when i challenged him:

"But, It's not even funny right?" i stated out to his guests who replied "It's stupid funny!"

**I should have replied: Well i'm not stupid so maybe that's why i couldn't relate**

Later on when folks said bye a female who was present came to say bye to me (and by the way this is the first time i have met this female *god bless her cute baby and god bless her. She seemed like a nice person) and she says: "Later my Nigga" all out of character.

Now dont get me wrong.. i am not all anal about using that word as a term of affection, i say it all the time, though not intentionally; i was just raised with it and i never use it hurtfully. Some would say that doesn't make a difference and they are right. I am wrong. I dont claim to hold the correct view on it. Its like smoking, a bad habit, but with no ill intent for those around me who may be exposed to it. THE WAY SHE SAID IT THOUGH, and seeing how throughout that evening she spoke perfect standard english, not a slang word, not a nigga from 8pm-1am... i felt like she was being a smart ass.



This is immaturity. I ask this because its improtant to ask ourselves: my god son at 1 point said about some other vulgarity: "I don't like that word". What have we come to when our children can be held to a higher moral reguard than we grown ass men/women? I swear to you we like.. took the level back to J.H. there.

I am ashamed. Again i felt isolated, and again found myself re-evaluating whether i have to put up with it. Whether it is going to be any good to my well being to spend my relax time feeling tense because folks wont respect who i am. It's ill because when we are around certain other people *ahem __white__'scuse me* these very same people tend to be on their best behavior. This makes me wonder what we feel about ourselves and why is it that we value more our conduct at those times. And around the brothers we get all agreeable like: 'true that, no doubt, peace my nig, one luv, yadayada'. To their face 'we' aint quite as corny.


anyway.. guess that will continue to be a struggle.\



This weekend it was the same shit, different violator.
And before i go into this, again... My family: I love them. My uncle, my brother..
My uncle, whom i cut off for a good long while because he brought his bigot shit a little too close to home when he made inappropriate comments about my daughter having Dominican ancestry. As if though my daughter, starting now, should get used to accepting that she is less than because HE BELIEVES that half of her comes from slutty, stupid, ugly, dirty...

Finally i have accepted him back into my life but i continue to keep distance. He comes over and most the time i will stay in my room. Feeling a prisoner in my own home when he is there, or coming out to be with him and feeling a nobody as he reverts each and every time into the same bullshit he speaks.. putting my nose in shit with every word, as if though he knows nothing else (quite frankly he has never proven he does know anything else. every problem in this world is due to others. never takes responsibility. he is poor because of blacks and jews. he is miserable because of his wife... **again... never a mention of --ahem __white people__... no surprise he is finally happy in his life now that he is a biker and spends his freetime bellying beer with white bearded blue eyed nazi muthafukas**)

So he comes over and i sit in the living room, to give the healing a chance. Maybe he will acknowledge that i am there and respect me the way he would if i were one of his biker friends whom for example may be a hard ass respected lesbian rider.. in which case i can imagine him toning down his sexist shit. Well here is his nephew.. someone who feels affectionate for his own people struggling and has a certain position on the issue, WHOM DOESNT IMPOSE THAT ON HIM, just IS whom he IS and just wishes to share the space on a common ground that we are family and i wouldnt mind talking bout how things have been going. WELL THAT went into the gutter. Wasn't long before he was on his "We don't need no Nigger President telling us this and that" and "Liberals are the reason for this and that". My brother.. whom i was proud of the week before. Wasn't strong enough as he was the week before, to shun this crap. I aint mad at him though. He is still growing and learning and finding his strength. As am i.

I mean.. i totally acknowledge how weak is the fact that i am putting all this in a blog and haven't confronted anyone to their face. I am growing. I am giving myself the space to build that strength! I choose a public forum because while i go through this others can read and learn AS I GO THROUGH IT. My struggles.

To me this type of behavior, while it says alot about peoples character, says more about their INTEGRITY! I can still remember being younger and my uncle being the one to tell me: don't put labels on people. And not saying it because he felt reighteous but expressing a truism: that when you label someone you ascribe characteristics to them based on the label you have branded them, and risk remaining ignorant about whats really the case. So for example someone might hear that i dont support the Iraq War and automatically assume i also support abortion because they think my protest of the war makes me "liberal" when the fact is that i have made it known that i do not support abortion! They might paint a picture in their mind that i am an organic health 'nut' who wants to adopt a South East Asian baby, worries away about the animals in the world that are tortured everyday and MUST be bi-sexual: ((NONE OF WHICH DESCRIBES ME! although bendito chill with the animals just a little bit)) ____________He was the one.. my uncle. All of a sudden the labels have re-emerged full throttle. On this matter he is at a loss of integrity, really and truelly! Not because he is exhibiting a poisonous character (see that's my opinion).. but because he is either not clear on what he believes and doesnt seem to care to find out, OR because he knows what he believes but doesn't hold it with enough conviction to stick with it consistantly. To allow it to define him.

That being said:

- Projecting you are one thing on front of one set of people; then projecting you are something else on front of others = lack of integrity. And by this i admit my own lack of integrity in not standing firm in demanding that i am not subject to interactions that are abusive to my emotions (yea yea i said emotions!).

- Knowing that there is something wrong in your environment. May not immediately effect people or may, but the point it is ethically wrong.. and failing to react = lack of integrity. Again. I take accountability for having been this person but for as long as i acknowledge it is a problem i strengthen the possibility of doing right.

- Refusal to remain open minded to not only hearing other influences (because you can be hearing but not listening), but refusal to accept that you yourself will forever need to be open to adapting = lack of integrity. This is one area that if nothing else i am pretty much in command of integrity over. I am not a walking amalgamation of sound bites. I know my opposing views more than most people i know who actually HOLD those views know them. And let me clear one thing up, because there are DEFINATELLY alot of people who have their facts together and it doesn't effect how they feel. To me that is cool, that's not a lack of integrity. People have different values, and for example you may be a conservative Republican and know the specifics of policy being proposed, you may have researched and even understand poverty, AnD still hold views which i believe are a detriment to poverty for example. Because your values are not mine; maybe you care less and feel that as an American you have the right to take care of yoursef and others need to worry bout themselves; i respectfully disagree and feel you have a disgusting character but if you like i said: understand the issue because you have read and have evaluated all arguments, then you don't lack integrity! Lacking integrity means that you don't own up to your responsibility. Your responsibility is to educate yourself. I dont listen to the ancors to be informed, i listen just to be up to date on what is being discussed. Others actually rely on these people for information. All you walk away with is THEIR opinion, because those people are put there to represent the bias of the stations ideology. I take into account actual facts and policy as stated by direct sources, then decide what represents me. For example: Someone on MSNBC or FOX says "no child left behind is leaving children behind" i don't go and use that as some kind of slogan in my back pocket when political discussions arrive. I research the No Child POLICY and then being familiar with schools and neighborhoods where children fail i identify points in the policy which are flawed; would fail students. So my reply would be "No Child Left Behind is leaving children behind because it creates a system where funding for schools depends on test scores. Thus teachers are just teaching to students memory for tests so that the school doesnt have to fire half the staff the next year." Then i would follow that with "When you crammed for a test... did you remember what you learned afterwards?" Someone lacking integrity as far as owning up to committing to learning would reply something like "No Child Left Behind is leaving children behind because its just bad policy. The democrats are the ones who worry about education, so apparently they havent been worrying enough" <>

Anyway im getting off topic. But before i finish by telling you why i'm writing all of this let me first admit to areas of weakness which i have succumbed to this year. Let me call myself out on my lack of integrity in areas. Because as a matter of integrity it is important that before asking others to reflect and change i must be willing to own up to my own lack of integrity. I am not in denial!

___I had an affair with a married woman with children. For MONTHS she was practically living with me. Her children were with their father and for the most part she was with me all of the time. I cant sit here and talk about my own fucked up child hood and ignore the fact that i have contributed to what may have developed into an issue these children will be dealing with for a long time. The time momma dissappeared! I am ashamed at myself and forever sorry.

___I have not done ALL i can do to be a more consistant presence in my daughter's life. And while in comparison to some fathers i am doing alright, it is not about other fathers. It is about my daughter and how our relationship, how she, will be affected by my absence. May the lord guide me and allow me to clear some hurdles on this!

___My communication with my mother, and siblings has SUCKED! With my mother it has gotten better than it was in the past. But we still do have these rough interactions; we yell, we put each other down, we ignore ... i know better and i want to take accountability to take it upon MYSELF to do better. I am wrong. With my siblings things are really bad! We barelly ever talk. This may feel comfortable, but it is a problem. In fact i barelly kiss or hug my sister. I never talk to her on the phone. Through pregnacy and problems in her home i havent been there. We are all struggling, we need each other more than ever. I am the oldest and i have failed in my responsibility of mentorship.

____My great grandmother sits in the back room of my home and most days i come home to my room or the living room and will go without stepping foot inside to say hello, to speak with her. Her mind is going, i haven''t been a support. I can't sit here and talk about us supporting one another in our communication if i have allowed this woman to dissappear. She is rare; a matriarch, almost 100 years old. My grandmother feeds her, cleans after her, puts her to sleep... If im not going to help (and everyone really should contribute to helping), i should at least be there to engage her while she is on this earth and i haven't done that. In my generation it is hard to see how that is shameful. We are so priveledged: "well she's being taken care of, she's old, probably wont even recognize you, whats the point, i dont have to be there 24/7" But i understand well that i am wrong! If that is my generation, we are wrong!

*There are many more ways in which i know i''ve lacked integrity. Maybe once a day in some way, but i am not going to say that i can take on the challenge of being perfect. I cant put it in enough words. But the above are MAJOR issues and at least acknowldging the major areas is an act of integrity in itself. And it feels good to create the possibility of turning things around!

_______________________IN CLOSING___________________________

My point in all this is that we need to be supportive of one anothers differences as we give one another time to come to terms with the fact that we can survive as a unit if we respect these differences. Ive been in spaces where everytime i go almost half the comments refered to me imply that anything having to do with me is the result of me being a Puerto Rican. Only when its amongst Boricuas once in awhile its ok. But i might even get uncomfortable with that if its over the top. If you are a comrade of mine and u notice that maybe i dont laugh as much as u about it or that im constantly changing off topic you need to be responsive to my discomfort and try facilitating a space we can share respectfully. I know that when i chill with Vets (my brother and uncle are vets) for example, i do not discuss war and if i do, again, i try leaving out my position, just for the sake of getting along. Otherwise why be there at all? When my uncle was here i made one statement about the war "we are over there with two agendas: to defeat 'the enemy' and still to appeal to the 'citizens' " and i suggested that is why soldiers are being prosecuted for crimes. To show the Iraqi's that the U.S. is not an occupier but a 'liberator'. Is that the truth? YES that is the true intent and purpose. Does it compromise MY beliefs? Not the fact that it is true, but the language i used i only used as a means of middle ground with my uncle and brother. Because in my view Iraq is a very politically currupt war, thus we are not liberators but occupiers and in my view they are not 'the enemy'!

While i make such sacrifices to my own integrity in sharing the space those around me have not been as fair in sacrificing their own views. And you know what.. they dont have to be! Maybe it makes them stronger people the fact they wont sacrifice their integrity. But in that case at least avoid bringing up areas we have differences of. Or dont expect me to sit there and fill my ears with you!

There are alot of places i want to go spiritually, emotionally, politically, personally and i will never get there around people who carry an attitude that they dont give a fukk where i want to go. That leaves me to make a decision then: Is it more important that i remain stagnant and unhappy. Or find folks who will if not be willing to go there with me, allow me to BE, freely and in healthy unviolated spirits as i venture there on my own with good family to come back to and share with in between. What we need to do is love one another and show affection; uncompromising affection and i dont mean some kiss on the cheek that boosts our heads to the heights of traditional gangsters. I mean asking questions about how we feel and rather than choosing a subject to throw arrows out in fleshing out whatever frustration we may have; ACTUALLY DEALING with our issues.

Supportive!

-Tony Rivera