Breaking the cycle: Domestic Abuse on my mind

In the last week i can count three very apparent incidences (in three consecutive days) of domestic violence that i have witnessed.

-Last Thursday my roomate and i went out to get a bite on the avenue when a bag flies across the pavement. I immediately turn my neck to the direction it came flying from to see an extremely aggressive man (tu sabe, one of those bald headed boriuas rocking a tank top with sun burn on his tatted shoulders; vein popping out of the neck with rage) holding his forearm to his woman's neck (against the storefront window of a Popeyes). >>He kept referring to some guy inside<<
Shame on me, i continued to walk. I was certainly disturbed, in almost a blank state, looking back and scanning a small crowd gathering. After a few paces i turned around and saw that the man from inside had come out swinging. It went wild from there.

-I spent friday night hanging out with a friend of mine in Staten Island. So we're having some beers, watching the game and talking when he gets a knock on the door. Now my boy's wife was out with her friend (at a club or lounge or something). It was the friend's man at the door. My boy lets him in and for the next couple of hours we are hosting this guy spilling his guts about how pissed he is over the fact that she continues to cheat on him although he pays all the bills and controls her credit -there actually is such thing as financial abuse-. Now we were feeling this brother, because lets be honest.. she IS cheating on him, and i do believe it is with a friend of his. This is in addition to what i hear have been several folks she's slept with within that circle alone! So im looking into this guys eye knowing his woman did such and such with a friend and a friend of a friend and...
But we didn't want him losing it on this girl on front of us right. So we're checking his head too, asking if he'd ever laid a hand on her, blahzay blahzay; asking what are some of the good things about their relationship and what the good times were like (i can't help it, im tree hugger as white gets on the de-escalation).
ANYWAY, this girl eventually returns with my boys wife and they begin arguing. He is demanding she leave with him but my boy and his wife intervened and wouldn't have it. From there a process began to try to cool things off before they left.

-Saturday after the Miguel Cotto fight im leaving my boys crib to my step-father's car when there is some shouting in the distant dark (it's about 1:30am). It was a man and woman. Sounded as if the man was in the street and the woman yelling from her porch or something. In any case the guy must have followed her back in because the shouting stopped for a minute. Then his mouth re-emerged trailing away with no response. I am sure he got to her in the house then bounced.


..........................................................................................................................................................................


After flatlining on Thursday's incident i felt really good to have done what i could to help de-escalate the incident on Friday. It was really a collaborative effort as my boy Ben and i kind of picked this guys brain and evaluated what he was capable of before acting.
Sunday night the Beasts were back at it again and of course i regret that i didn't in some way respond, although the drama was a yonder two or three blocks of the silent suburban air.
Thursday however, i will never forgive myself for.
A crowd had been developing, so had i had the presence of mind i would have realized there was some level of support there: "Perhaps if i got in they might feel empowered to do the same". Also, it seemed to be an emergancy situation, i mean, this guy was HEATED! Still, i preserved my male priveledge to walk my cold feet through the cowardace.

Yes there are drawbacks to intervening:
*** You don't know what this man's intent is or how crazy he is. He may be armed.

*** You are not from around here. What if you jump in, then get tagged by those around him who know grew up with this man?

*** She will only protect him and turn on you if you try doing the right thing (which she actually did when the man in the store came out to fight the asshole: she confronted him to keep away from her man)

It's a tough call. But i am pained in my stomach, in my heart. I have witnessed so much of this in my life. It is easily the most disgusting form of oppression i have been able to immediately recognize when occuring.



My mother was a battered woman. This means she was a battered daughter, a battered sister, a battered mother aside from being a battered wife. And although i was too young to remember the abuse (i remember flashes every once in awhile, i think my memory has tried to ommit these events to make me feel safe) years later i got a front row ticket to my father beating his second wife with a wooden board. I was about 11 and watching it through the two doorways that lead past a middle room and into his (railroad apartment).

And the last two neighbor apartments to that of my mother's in Staten Island have inhabited some really drastic incidents of domestic abuse. Every now and then i will spend a night there and just hear banging and screaming downstairs. The cops have been called countless times. One time my mom called the cops on them, and happend to be drunk and beligerant towards me as they were arriving, to which i reacted loud and even physical (she kept coming at me and i pushed her down on the couch) causing them to knock on OUR door (how ghetto is that?).
The house we lived in some years ago was OFF THE WALL! There was a young couple downstairs living with a baby. poor baby!

The shit absolutely haunts me.
And i am actually afraid that for everytime i have refrained from intervening in the past (which has caused me a thousand wounds to my pride)i will someday get a year of jail time, when i finally flip on some pendejo. I cross my fingers that doesn't happen as close to home as i've sometimes prepared myself to believe it might.



There are several problems when dealing with domestic abuse, but the main problem is denial. How can someone help themselves if they dont recognize, or refuse to accept that there is a problem.
Most women suffering abuse don't recognize the behavior as abusive. Whether physical, verbal, emotional, it normally creeps its way into a relationship after the couple has established a strong bond (and many times dependance on one another), which allows time for the person being abused to condition themselves to accept the behavior psychologically; whether they have to blame themselves or others, or simply downplay its effect on the relationship and their own sense of esteem.
Other times the abuse presents itself immediately, sometimes even before two begin dating, the abused may subject themselves to say verbal or emotional abuse, yet lack support systems at home and interpret the behavior as attention, and thus, love.

Many don't recognize the warning signs or just fail to accept their own value enough to understand that there is no reason their priorities/ wants/ needs cant come first without putting those of their partner first simultaneously. So a cycle begins whereby they abuse each other and deem it acceptable because:
"Well.. he hits me but i hit him too." Or "She tells me i cant go out but you shouldve been here the other night when i told her SHE couldnt leave"
____The reality is that two practices of abuse dont cancel one another out!


In any case im no expert on the issue
There is alot of research out there which you can access through google.
If you need resources or support i can always help you though(if you are reading this: Toneare@gmail.com) But for the sake of making this here rant informational i will list below some things to look out for that may be unhealthy:


-JEALOUS AND CONTROLLING
The jealous partner will ask about your wherabouts and will question who you are with and what you are doing. In the beginning, the recipient partner may feel that this jealous partner is simply showing his or her concern for their well-being. This type of partner is quite manipulative. The jealous and controlling partner will be able to manipulate situations to make the recipient partner feel guilty.
For example, if the recipient partner decides to hang out with friends and purchase something new for the event, the jealous and controlling partner may question why things of this sort are not done for him or her. He or she may then accuse the partner of trying to be with someone else.


-ISOLATING
The isolating partner does not want their companion to be around family or friends. The isolating partner tells their companion that he or she is all that they will "need". The isolating partner will convince or force them into thinking that there is no need for friends or family because he or she represents all these things and people to them. The isolating partner blames family members and friends for "causing trouble" in the relationship. They fear that family members and/or friends will try to influence their companion to the relationship. The reality is that the isolating partner's own insecurities serve as the underlying cause of his or her behavior.


-BLAMELESS
The blameless partner is never responsible for things that occur within the relationship. The blameless partner may lack social skills and or aspirations. The blameless partner also manipulates their partner as well as others around them for their failures and might say something like: "If you would have come with me yesterday, i wouldn't have gotten into trouble." The blameless partner does not take ownership for his or her own actions.

-EXTREMELY MOODY
The excessively moody partner will be very impulsive. One minute they are very happy, the next they are very angry. Usually the recipient partner does know how or when to respond to their partner's actions. Usually the recipient partner may be afraid of their moody partner because they don't know when the person might overreact or respond negatively towards them.


-VERBALLY ABUSIVE
The verbally abusive partner will try to berate their partner by any means necessary. Usually an abusive partner does so by using hurtful words. They may do so by insulting their partner's intellect or shortcomings. For example, they may call them stupid, dumb, worthless, retarded for not being able to answer questions correctly, or for simply misplacing something, etc. They will also try to attack their partner's self-esteem, the abusive partner would do so because with the time the recipient partner will internalize these comments and begin to believe them. Once the recipient partner has internalized their abusive partner's verbal abuse, it then becomes easier for the abusive partner to control and manipulate their partner's actions.


-VIOLENT
The violent partner uses physical force to obtain what they want. They can either threaten to use physical force or actually use physical force. The violent partner also breaks and destroys things as an outlet for anger and a means of intimidation. Physical force can include punching, hitting, biting, choking, or using blunt objects to strike their partner. The abusive partner feels the need to control and intimidate their partner. Some violent partners may immediately apologize after they have caused harm to their intimidated partner stating "It was a mistake" or that "They are sorry". For reasons ranging from emotional attachment to fear, individuals in a violent relationship may find it difficult to extract themselves from it.


..........................................................................................................................................................................


Domestic abuse breeds in a society where abuse thrives PERIOD. If we tolerate degradation amongst our friends, co-workers and associates, children, we tolerate a culture of emotional isolation.
We need to come together (at dinner tables, at church, at schools, at the park) and assess CRITICALLY, what types of relationships we have with one another and what adjustments can be made to share power over the dynamics these relationships are built on, and compromise for loving communication. COMMUNICATION is the word. Dialogue! Discipline over what one puts out, and consideration over what is taken in. All exchange for the sake of building trust and a freedom.
Easier said than done, I KNOW THIS!
I don't mean to be preachy, because i do have my own demons: ESPECIALLY on the topic of trust! But i am constantly recommitting myself to evaluating where i am at and improving.

We must finally take an oath to protect each other! And it must start within our own circles. We gotta stop being bitch and start confronting those we know are playing themselves and cultivating negative households where the children are exposed to this.
We must be open to recognizing and confronting these patterns, by not submerging these issues and vowing to remain open ears and eyes. By beginning to support those suffering in abusive relationships. Have get togethers, listen to music, cook for one another, plan retreats, shop, and talk! not about celebrity trash. Talk about where you are at in life and where you want to be, so far as happiness, strengths, weaknesses you are working on, personal, professional, memories and incidents that recently occured both negative and positive.

In our communities we don't always feel safe just calling the police. And when we do call often it is simply a quick intervention tactic which we dont wish to carry through, just to kind of cool things down. Often times we REALLY DO want to work things out, for things to change. That is only possible if we are willing to transform not only self but the lifestyles we find ourselves in, the culture of our social networks. Let's make loving one another an everyday object of our relationships with one another. A theme in all that we do.

We have gone through our zombie shit. Lets recognize it for what it was and leave it behind. You have drinking buddies? That all they are? Is that how far you value yourself that you would spend years having never explored such a topic like this because it would be interfearing with what?


knawimean??

let's exchange numbers