Summer with my daughter

Next weekend will bring to me the farewell between my daughter and i for weeks if not a month or two to come. Summer 2008 has been the first season i spend with my daughter of a year and four months. It has been a blessing. Surreal while So Real.

In this time i have watched her gain speed and balance on sturdier legs, increase her capacity to eat (MAN CAN SHE EAT!), open up to dancing on the drop of a beat, call me Papa and comply when i ask for a kiss. There were even a few instances in which she spoke very clear sentances; some of which she has never repeated again. Shit freaked me out when last week she asked my god son Jaimin "What's that?" in a voice i couldn't even recognize.

I expressed my thanks to my mother last night for supporting me through the past month. Because i work the days and live in the Bronx (In an apartment which doesn't suit a child *high staircase, no air conditioner and only one fan in the aptmnt) my mother took Nadia in. Throughout the week i would return there to stay with my daughter every other day and over the weekends. I have bathed her, fed her, slept with her, brushed her teeth and hair, dressed her, taken her for walks and to visit her aunt uptown. I got what i wanted: We've bonded! She knows i am her Daddy...

The toughest experience has been traveling with her through public transportation. She is difficult to deal with when confined and for her own safety i couldn't let her run around the train or bus. Then there is carrying the stroller up and down steps and having to fold it before boarding buses (Nuff props to all the mothers out there who have to do this on the daily!). That, and dealing with her skin condition: Eczima. She gets irritated in the heat, she gets irritated when she is tired, she gets irritated around the dog and dirt. It is frustrating tying to calm her, but i can only imagine how frustrating it has been for her. Unfortunately she got it from my side of the family. It has pained me watching her scratch in her sleep, drawing blood from her ankles, wrists, lower back... With that comes arguments with her mother about how to deal with it: me wary about constantly medicating her yet concerned that in my own paranoia she suffers.


This has truely been a tough summer though and i do have to say that God is good. Because if nothing else, having my daughter with me has kept a fire in my eye and continued to slap me awake when i've felt to slack off.
After quitting my job in June (for reasons i will explain another time), and seeking and seeking, i was pressured to accept the first offer that came my way and took a four dollar pay cut, which equals something like 150$ a week. Which is alot of money to lose when you need to support a child and pay bills. Forget about loans; they haven't been getting paid. I truely have been in an emergancy state, shifting between Staten Island and the Bronx and humbled by those who have supported me in this time with never a mention about the fact that i haven't been able to contribute to putting food in the fridge, or that i may have been behind on the rent.

In the meantime i feel stronger and stronger adjusting to this survival. Everyweek at work talk riles up for an afterwork drink on Friday. I simply duck my head into the paper or drawback to allow the conversation at hand, but unlike in the past, make no shame about having to duck out so that i can handle my priorities.

What keeps me going is my relationship with the struggle. I do not abandon it to accomodate any illusions about where i am. I breath deep and continue to grind at the lethargy, at the rejection, at the challenges. For example i was offered a teaching job then directed to the Dept of Ed when the Principal discovered that i am not certified. That morning i was at the Dept of Ed getting things out of the way. Needed Fingerprints, Fingerprints 100$, have no money, called my boy and borrowed what i needed// Took my required violence prevention and child abuse trainings online (75$)// Explained that i have my BA and have already passed all the state exams for certification (LAST, ATS-W, Content Specialty in Social Studies)....
Only to find out that i need Education Credits. After exploring all options i was forced to eat the fact that at this point i cannot afford to enroll in classes or even pay 70$ each for four or five CLEP tests to get those credits out the way. That afternoon i was at work to finish the day.
For a few weeks i fell back, just allowing myself to work and spend very frugal, before recommitting to Teaching, now accepting that i may just have to Sub for awhile while i get enough money up to pay for some Education credits so that i can teach every day. Substitute Teacher application: 50$.. TB test: We shall find out after my appointment on the 13th.

Im Hustling foreal!
I mean, i aint out to walk myself into a zombie state. But im filling my hours for the basics and falling behind in the mean, still reaching out for a break.. sending out my resume, kicking ass at interviews.
There aint no nigga in New York City doing it like me right now period!
I am the best at everything i do... and the first to realize that hits jack pot...
The longer it takes the closer i get to snatching that all up for myself, putting my name on it, and sharing it with The People!

This aint no fall back grind im questing.
I am on my way to changing the world.
So it will be a long one.
But Nadia smile. We were Written!



To my family
I love you and thank you for making it all possible

Thank you Ma, Lani, Grandma, Phil, Ben and Ann, Carlos, Juan y Luis
Thank you Gracie


I love you Nadia